I should break up with my girlfriend but how do I manage to do that?

in medical school, when they tell you how to deliver bad news (i.e. 'you have cancer') there are some basic rules you're taught to follow. i've found them invaluable for all sorts of delicate social interactions: 1. prepare- make sure you tell her in a quiet, private spot, and that you've got plenty of time if there are involved issues you need to talk about. also think about how you want to say things beforehand so you don't end up sounding hurtful. 2. fire a warning shot- the 'i think we need to talk' works here- so she knows that something important is about to be said 3. be clear-i.e. say 'i want to break up. ' don't hem and haw and be vague, it'll be worse in the long run. good luck!

Don't let what koeselitz said set the bar too high for you to go through with this. I favorited the comment with gusto, but to get from where you're at to what he's asking for can take a long time. Sometimes a person knows something long before they can explain it. These are two different things: knowing what you want, and being able to clearly and respectfully articulate your desires and how they relate to another person's actions. The first skill relates to the search for a partner, and the second skill relates to making it work when there are differences to iron out. So, I'd say even if you can't attain the clarity he says you need, but your gut says "this isn't working," go ahead and say what you need to say to break up. If it took you three months to get a conscious grasp on the issue, that's just wasting her time. If you were married, I'd say you had an obligation to develop that second skill before you ended it, just in case it yielded a solution, but since you're not, I'd say it's okay to wait and develop it with someone you're into.

So, I was recently in almost exactly this situation. Ex and I were both having mountains and mountains of (separate) personal issues, he was (and is) still a pretty cool person and a friend of mine, we're both students, multi-year relationship (3ish for us), etc etc. On waiting: I'm the kind of geek that interprets information as a graph pretty much all the time. Are you familiar with a local minimum? It's when a graphed curve hits a low point in one particular section of the graph. When ex and I broke up, he was having ridiculous roommate problems as well as a couple other things, and I waited till those issues stabilized a bit and looked like they would figure themselves out -- a local minimum. I knew I couldn't wait until we were each problem-free, but at that time I wasn't going crazy and he wasn't either, so it was the best possible, more or less. In your situation, a nice deep trough of a minimum on the stress graph would be the end of the semester, but if you find yourself unable to wait that long you might want to check for a shallower and nearer local minimum. On how to actually do it: I locked myself into the decision, sort of, by telling a couple close friends and my mother about what I was going to do -- in part, to gauge their reactions, and in part to give myself a group of people who knew what was going on and could push me forward action-wise -- the next time I talked to any of them, they'd probably ask about whether I'd actually broken up with him. Caution, though: don't go around telling everybody. Keep it to people closer to you than they are to him, and not many people, and only do this very close in time to when you're actually going to take action on the breaking up thing. That way it's less him going "you all knew and didn't tell me?!" and more you going "Holy shit, guys, I need support here." On location: I went over to his place and left after the conversation was over -- that way it was quiet and private and he could be by himself if he wanted. This might not have been the best decision, but I'm not sure how I could have done it better. I would not want to be dumped in public due to likely emotional reactions. On the aftermath: Well, he and I were on pretty...erratically rocky terms for a few weeks after the breakup, and we had to see each other pretty often for an extracurricular we're both involved in, but things are ok now. He's probably going to read this, too, especially since I mentioned to him I might post an answer here. Ex, please weigh in if anything in here seems incorrect to you.

Please take this with a grain of salt, because I know there are people who feel very very strongly the opposite way, but . . . It has really helped when someone, breaking up with me, has given me specific reasons why they want to break up, or why they weren't into me. Otherwise I can spend forever going over all the things I might have done wrong in my mind.

I really hate to say this, because I feel like it's wrong in some way, but you probably would be doing her a favor by waiting until the semester's over to break up with her. But if it's going to cause you more anguish, you have to do what's right for you. Honestly, you might be doing yourself a favor, too, because 1) you won't have to see her in class for the next month, and 2) if she's emotional, and you're caring, there could be drama that would affect your academics as well. Again, not endorsing dishonesty, but practicality does have its place. If you can't stand feeling like you're misleading her, break up sooner, but if you think it will be an easier, cleaner break if you wait until the school year is up, that might save you both some additional stress.

There's never a good time - there always seemed to be a birthday, a holiday, or a visit to one or the other's family, that made any particular time "not quite right". It's considerate of you to want to limit the fallout for her, but that's really her responsibility to manage; your responsibility ends with truthfulness and consideration. It sounds like you're intending to be both. That's the most you can do for anyone. You may need to invent a coffee date or similar that affords you some privacy while still allowing each of you to go your own way right afterward. Beyond that, say to her what you've said above, assure her that you won't make things any more difficult than you can avoid due to shared classes, etc., and that you hope you can pick up the friendship again later, when the pain and awkwardness of breaking up have worn off. In other words, be the dear friend as well as saying so, and trust her to take it from there however she needs or wants to. Dittoing ishotjr about the timing: listen to your heart.

http://ask.metafilter.com/88726/How-do-I-let-someone-down-easy#1305651 is pretty much the best breakup advice I've ever seen. I agree with ishotjr that you should wait until the end of the semester if you can. It'll be kinder to her, but it will also make it easier on both of you if you're not in a situation where you have to see each other ever day.

After I ended my first real high school relationship, I found out through the grapevine that his mom was mad that I didn't wait until after finals. His mom. So, I think waiting is an option with some merit if you're not in too much angst. That said, it's true that there's never really a great time. My advice on message is: keep it short and to the point.

Miko's answer that Emilyisnow linked to is really good. I disagree with the people who say that you should wait. I would feel really scummy sleeping with someone who wanted to break up with me. I guess if you can avoid that without questions then it might be okay. If I were the dumpee, I'd want to know as soon as possible. You can always sit in the back of your shared classes. If you've been apart for the Thanksgiving break, now is a great time to follow Miko's advice because you can tell her that you did a lot of thinking over the time you were away.