How do I feel better about my boyfriend not wanting to live together?

I think you're giving him too much power and control over your life. He let you dangle for months while he dillydallied over whether or not he'd let you move in with him. That's not nice, thoughtful, considerate and kind which are qualities that are important to me and hopefully to you too. You're letting him decide what your future will be and these are choices you should be making for yourself. What do you want in the future? Do you want marriage and maybe kids, either specifically with this guy or just in general? Three and a half years is plenty long enough to know a person pretty well and to know if they have the qualities that would make a good life partner. I think you should ask yourself if you'd be happy with things continuing like they are indefinitely, and with him getting to make these big decisions unilaterally. Then sit down and ask him where he sees your relationship going. If he can't tell you, that's your answer, and then maybe it's time to cut your losses and take back control of your own destiny. Seriously, why does he get to decide where you live? If you're a committed couple, shouldn't you be making those decisions together?

The question is framed as "teach me mental hacks that will stop me from feeling bad about this!", but it is written in such a way as to slant-invite "sympathize with me about how unreasonable my boyfriend is being!" -- and indeed many answerers are answering the second formulation. The second formulation is a bad question that will inevitably receive bad answers: regardless of what sitcom culture may teach, there is no single "reasonable" approach to commitment, and the most that can be said is that the OP and her boyfriend may not be fully compatible in their instincts here (which does not mean they aren't fully compatible as a couple). But the first formulation ("How do I feel better about" this?) is a much wiser question, which I hope more posters will start answering. My own response to it: remind yourself that not all people share your instincts about how to express love, and that it is perfectly possible that your boyfriend loves you completely without feeling that cohabitation is a pragmatic or effective means of expressing that love.

I'd start spending some time alone at your place some nights. Rediscover yourself--invest less in what is going on with him, so that these things upset you less.

However, he does have a point that I gave him a choice and agreed to live by myself. This is a little bit of a red flag for me. Not a huge one, but something to think about. Does he generally have a habit of treating your statements like contracts or depositions, of ignoring your feelings and then pointing to something that you said as a kind of technicality to let him off the hook? I mean, it's true that you gave him a choice, and I think he can be a perfectly good boyfriend and not want to live with you. It's less clear to me that he can be a perfectly good boyfriend and not care that you're hurting. Actually, that's my advice more generally - what I'd think about is whether this is a pattern of behavior, or is confined to this one issue. If he's normally compassionate and cares how you feel, but not now, maybe he has some weird thing about his living situation. But if he generally ignores your feelings and doesn't care when you tell him you're hurt (and you are telling him, right?), then it may be time to move on.

A) Well, we already practically live together, so we're learning about each other that way, so why change things? B) If we live together we might as well get married. C) If we move in together and break up, it would really suck. A) Living together is a whole different ball game from practically living together. B) That's ridiculous. My partner and I lived together for two and a half years before signing the piece of paper. And we only did that for financial reasons. One thing has nothing to do with the other. C) Yeah, so what? I think your boyfriend is stalling for no good reason. You don't mention how old you are, but if you're both adults (older than 25 or so), 3.5 years is long enough of a relationship to know if you're ready to move in together!

Poster, you're 25. PLEASE take it from me. MOVE ON. You still have youth on your side. This guy is not it. Things are out of order. You're chasing him, and as someone else stated, giving him all your power. Men who are ready for "the next big step" are usually the ones doing the pushing, not the other way around. And I think you are hiding behind this "move in together" business. You want to be MARRIED. Just say that, stop beating around the bush. From someone who's been where you are (and made the wrong decision, tried to stay and wait it out, to no avail), get out while you still have your youth. If it's meant to be, he will step up and show you that he's serious. If he doesn't, be very grateful you let him go.

Here's a thought - maybe he just doesn't understand the hassle of spending lots and lots and lots of time at someone else's house without actually living there? I mean, it's totally a hassle, right? If I were in your situation, I would start by asserting that I wouldn't spend more than half-time at his place. You have a lovely, roommate-free studio apartment - enjoy it! Of course he's free to join you on those nights at your place. Perhaps it would give him a greater understanding of the difference between "living together" and "sleeping over", which it seems to me he doesn't quite comprehend (seriously, I remember the period before my now-spouse and I moved in together - we couldn't make the move fast enough!). Furthermore, I think you might feel better if he is also making some visible "sacrifice" for the relationship, like taking on some of the burden of sleeping over.

I don't think you can or should feel better about this - your feelings are a fact of life and you shouldn't have to ignore them or bottle them up in order to salvage a relationship. I rewrote this a few times but ultimately I agree with biffa.

Obviously he's happy with the way things are now. And he doesn't want to commit to you. You may be in different places in life. You want a relationship that moves forward and becomes something. He doesn't. I think you should be hurt, because it is a rejection. He's rejecting committing to a life with you. He wants things kept neat and separate so that if he doesn't like you, or finds someone better, it won't be too messy when you break up. He may like you a lot, but you're obviously not the only one for him. I mean, 3 and a half years, really, is enough to decide whether someone's the one you want to be with or not. You need to decide whether you want to keep dating him, or if you need a relationship that moves forward. If the latter, then you probably have to give him an ultimatum. And you may need to break things off for a while. Sometimes people are emotionally lazy. They don't want to make commitments or decisions. Sometimes it takes a guy almost losing a girl to realize he really does want to make a commitment. Sometimes it takes a girl insisting on commitment to discover that the guy isn't really into her that much, he just likes having a relationship. You might try withdrawing a bit. Be too busy to get together. If that doesn't bother him, if it's a relief, then you know where you stand. If he freaks out, then maybe you're important to him after all.