Am I doomed to be a Football n00b forever?

Hmm... I'm not sure that a book is the best place to start, although it would help you get a grounding in the basic rules. The best, best, best way is to find someone who is passionate about the game, but is willing to sit and talk with you during a game. Learning about penalty calls and things from a book is great, but it won't really mean anything when you are watching the game. Also, ever team has it's own plays, based on the scheme that they run on both offense and defense, and each uses their own terminology, so a book that describes the plays doesn't really exist, unless is very general. I'll tell you what, I'll try and give you a primer in less than 100 lines: First, the basic goal is to score touchdowns by moving the ball down the field. You do this by running or passing the ball on a series of downs. In the American game, you have four downs to advance the ball ten yards, and the opposing defense is trying to stop you. For instance, 1st and 10 means you are on your first down, and you still have ten yards go. If the offense runs the ball and gets 3 yards, you are now on 2nd and 7 (2nd down and seven yards left to go). If you get ten yards total before you run out of downs, you get a new set of downs and start at 1st and 10 again. Make sense? Okay, now let's talk penalties. Knowing the specifics of each penalty is not critical, but you need to know that penalites can affect both the down and the distance to go and can be called on the offense or the defense. For instance, on 1st and 10, if the defense moves into the 'neutral zone' (the area between the lines where the ball sits before the play) before the ball is snapped, they are called for 'offsides'. This is a five yard penalty, so the offense gets to move the ball forward five yards without running a play. It's now 1st and 5. The offense can be penalized too, so it's possible to have the ball moved *back* five yards on a penalty, so it would be 1st and 15. Some penalties on the defense automatically give the offense a new set of downs, for instance if you have 3rd and 7, but the runner is pulled down by his facemask, the offense gets 1st and 10 again, regardless of whether or not the runner got the 7 yards the offense needed for the first down. Let's talk positions. There are 11 players on offense and defense. Let's start offense: The first players you see, the ones lined up directly on the ball are the offensive line. There are 5 OL, from left to right they are: Left Offensive Tackle, Left Offensive Guard, Center, Right Offensive Guard, Right Offensive Tackle. These guys have two jobs, opening up room for the runners on running plays (run blocking), and blocking the defense so that the quarterback has time to throw the ball on passing plays (pass blocking). The tackles tend to be quicker, more technical blockers, and the guards are maulers. The Centre is somewhat of a hybrid, and they are generally also responsible for calling out blocking assignments the the other linemen. Left Offensive Tackles are highly prized, and paid huge sums of money because they block (usually) the defenses best pass rusher, and they protect the back side of the quarterback. A good or bad Left Offensive Tackle can drastically affect a teams overall offensive performance. The quarterback is considered the 'general' of the offense, and is considered the most valuable position in the game. They are normally responsible for taking the snap of the ball from the center, and getting it to the player who will be advancing the ball either by handing it off directly or passing it downfield. The coach of the team calls the plays, but the QB can also change the play call before the snap if they like. This is called 'calling an audible'. Some very good QBs have made a career out of making smart audibles. A good QB will win you games, moreso than any other position perhaps. The remaining 5 players of offense will be some combination of Running Backs, Wide Receivers and Tight Ends. Depending on what kind of offense you run, and what play you and calling, the number of each will vary from play to play. Running backs come in two flavours, halfbacks and fullbacks. Halfbacks are smaller, faster, shiftier runners, and fullbacks are the big bruisers. Running backs normally line up behind the quarterback, but there is no rule stating that they must, and the often move around before the play to try and confuse the defense. Often, a fullback never carries the ball, they just get a running start to block someone to try and get a hole for the the halfback to advance the ball. Running backs are another premier position, and a good RB can be a game changer. Wide receivers tend to be faster and taller than running backs, and they normally line up along the line but spread out away from the ball. A Wide receiver's job is simple, run a pattern (called a route most of the time), get open, and catch the pass from the quarterback. 'Getting open' just means getting away from the defender so that the pass can't be caught by the defender. Tight Ends are hybrid Wide Receiver/Offensive Tackles. They can line up right next the Offensive Tackle and pass block or run block, or they can run a route and catch the ball. Some are better at one job or the other, and one that can do both very well is rare. So depending on what you want to do, you use a different number of TEs, WRs, and RBs. If you want a force the ball down the defenses throat, you might go 2 TE, 1 WR and 2 RBs (fullback and halfback). You might want to go all-or-nothing on a pass, and go just 5 WRs. Passes normally gain more yards than runs, but are riskier because any player, including the defensive players, can catch the ball. So let's talk defense! 11 players again, broken into three levels: Defensive Line, Linebackers and Secondary. You can have different numbers of each, and you will see defenses named 3-4 or 4-3. It's simple, that's the number of Defensive Linemen and Linebackers the defense uses. Normally, you have 4 players in the secondary, but that can vary too. The Defensive Line can have two kinds of players, Defensive Tackles and Defensive Ends. Tackles are bigger, stronger guys in the middle of the line, and they are primarily responsible for stopping the offense from running the ball. Ends are faster, and they are normally responsible for rushing the quarterback, and trying to tackle him before he can pass the ball. In a 4-3 defense, you normally have 2 DEs and 2 DTs. In a 3-4 it's usually 2 DEs and 1 DT. Linebackers are next, and you normally see three or four of them depending on whether you are running a 3-4 or 4-3. Middle or Inside linebackers are normally run stoppers as well, but they are all smaller, lighter and faster than any defensive lineman. Outside linebackers are generally quite quick and need to be able to hit running backs hard, or cover WRs or TEs if the offense wants to pass. You will see outside linebackers referred to as 'strongside' or 'weakside' linebackers. This just means that they line up on the same side as the Tight End (this is strongside) or the opposite side (weakside). Linebackers can also be sent to rush the quarterback, this is called 'blitzing'. The goal with blitzing is to overwhelm the offensive line, and get to the quarterback before he can pass the ball. There is a risk to this though, as you have less people on defense to cover the pass now, and a good QB will pick apart a blitzing defense all day. Finally, there is the secondary, made up of Cornerbacks and Safeties. Cornerbacks have to be fast, as they are primarily responsible for covering opposing Wide Receivers. Safeties are generally a little bigger as they are also responsible for filling in holes on the defense when the offense runs the ball. As for coverage, there are two ways to play coverage, zone coverage or man coverage. In Zone coverage, the defenders are responsible for an area, or zone, on the field. In man coverage, they are responsible for an opposing player, and go wherever they go. The number of players in the secondary varies as well. There are generally no less than four (2 CBs, 2 S), but if you suspect the offense is passing, the defense can take away a linebacker and add another CB. Five players in the secondary is called a 'Nickel' defense, six is a 'Dime' and rarely you can see seven which is called a 'Quarter'. So, there's a good starting point. You should be able to tell who is on the field, what position they play, and what the offense and defense are trying to accomplish depending on the number of RBs, TEs, WRs, and CBs on the field. From here, watch some games, learn the penalties, and then I suggest you pick a team and start reading about them!

If anyone is still reading this, I updated my profile with my football blog. Please feel free to comment and tell me what I've got wrong.

First, don't be embarrassed. Based on my listening at bars and other events there are a lot of fans who don't know what is going on either. I had a quite smart friend confide to me that despite playing in her high school band for four years it was the end of her junior year before she noticed that the teams switched ends every quarter. Some folks just key more easily into the rules based aspects of play. From your question I'm not sure if you are more interested in help with the rules or what I'd call 'fan experience'. For rules and jargon quick google and scan indicates the following might be good resources: http://www.essortment.com/all/footballplaying_rgpx.htm http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_football http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formation_%28American_football%29 http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/American%20football/Glossary Like any sport football is full of jargon, so a quick web search on any term that you don't recognize might reveal a whole world of understanding. The other part of your question is about how to understand the politics the college football world and choosing a pro team. For college, I honestly think the best answer is to read a link or two about the BCS: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowl_Championship_Series, form a strong opinion and go argue with your fellow sports fans. Seriously, there is no right point of view on this stuff and it is all so convoluted that hardly anyone really completely understands it anyway. The debating from semi-ignorance is half the fun. For pro teams, I recommend you just root for the Steelers.

Put the link in your profile, nothing illegal about that

I know you said you're more interested in college than pros, but any football fan who cares about really understanding the game should be watching http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NFL_Matchup. The show breaks down the NFL games the same way the players and coaches do. The show doesn't talk about what happens, but why it happened. A lot of it might be over your head at first, but after a while you'll start seeing football in a totally different way.

No trouble, I can talk about football all day! Answers: No, the quarterback is strictly an offensive player. HOWEVER, there is normally one player of defense who can call audibles or change coverage schemes depending on what he sees. These players cane be called 'quarterback of the defense' but it's not a real position. This is normally a middle linebacker or safety who can see the whole offensive formation. If the ten does not get a new first down, by getting ten yards or by penalty, they give the ball to the other team. This is called a 'turnover on downs'. If the defense catches the ball, yes it's an interception. They get possession of the ball, and can actually run the ball back after making the interception until the offense tackles them, and yes they can run it all the way back for a touchdown. You will hear this referred to as a 'pick six' since 'pick' is slang for an interception. The ball can also be turned over to the defense by the offense if the player advancing the ball loses control of it, this is called a fumble. If you want to pick a pro-team, you can't go wrong following a local team, or the team that your family follows. If you want to look at stats, go to www.nfl.com. I'll tell you right now the most exciting team to watch in football is probably the New Orleans Saints, if you want to see a lot of high flying offense, you can't go wrong with that team. I'm a follower of the Detroit Lions, the worst team in the NFL for like the last twenty years. WE SUCK!

Try to find a game's radio broadcast and use that for audio while watching the TV with the sound down -- the radio's play-by-play description is a lot more helpful for understanding the action as it unfolds, as well as picking up more about the strategies and game subtleties. The radio broadcasters know more about what's going on with their team (they call for the same team each week, instead of being parachuted in by the network) and generally offer more intelligent commentary. Too many TV teams just seem to be watching the game with you, chiming in with unhelpful "Wow, that was a nice throw." kind of hurfdurffery.

Yeah, I can't believe I forgot to mention punting. Also, there are actually five different ways to score: 1. Field goal. This is scored by kicking the ball through the uprights. I can be attempted anywhere on the field, on any down, but traditionally a kicker's maximum range is about 50 yards. This means the ball needs to start play on about the 32 yard line. A successful FG is worth three points, but if you miss, the opposing team takes possession of the ball from the spot of the kick. 2. Touchdowns are scored by advancing the ball into the endzone, and this can be done by the offense or the defense (in the case of an interception of fumble return.) This is worth six points. 3. PAT - Point after Touchdown. Also called the extra point. After a TD, the team has to kick the ball through the uprights, this is worth one point. 4. 2 Point Conversion. Instead of kicking the PAT, the team can 'go for two' and try to advance the ball into the endzone again, by a pass or run. If they succeed it is worth two points. This is not a common occurrence unless you are far behind and trying to catch up, or if there is a funny point differential. For instance, if you have just scored a touchdown and you lead by one point, you might as well go for two. This way, you would have a three point lead and a field goal will only tie the game, not give the other team the lead. 5. Safety. This is a rarity, but it does happen. If the QB is sacked (that means he is tackled before he can pass the ball) and he is in his own endzone, the defense scores two points. This can happen if any player advancing the ball is tackled in his own endzone, not just the QB. Finally, if the offense commits a penalty in their own endzone, a safety is also awarded. So the game has a lot to do with field position. Sometimes you are better to play it safe and punt the ball away than to take a risky play from your own endzone. Also, the choice between going for it on 4th down, trying a Field Goal or punting all relates to the skill of your player and where you are on the field. I was trying to keep this pretty general, but now you are starting to see the tactics involved, and this, frankly, is where the game gets really interesting. Late in the game, 4th and 1 on the opposing 37 yard line, and you are down by 1 point... Decisions, decisions :)

I watched the Colts game today while I folded laundry. I couldn't really pay full attention because I was dealing with my kids a lot, but the parts I caught I really enjoyed. I did what pokermonk said and had a pencil and paper next to me, when I heard something I didn't understand I wrote it down then hopped on my laptop to look it up. I was bummed during the first half because the Colts were not doing very well, but at least I understood why Manning was sitting on the sidelines! There is one thing I don't understand still. The ball turnover. I that I understand that a team gives up the ball if they don't gain enough yards in their downs or if they score. If the ball is intercepted or fumbled the other team can try to score, but as soon as they are tackled they have to give the ball back. Two more questions. When the defense player who caught the interception is tackled, does play resume from where he was tackled, or back where the offense was when they started the play? The other thing that I didn't understand about the downs was when the team got more than ten yards on a down. It kept going back to 1st and 10. How many of those do they get before they have to turn over the ball? Do they get 4 tries no matter how many yards they gain?