My personality needs a review! It's getting out of control! Help please!

To elaborate on the self reflection suggestions - Vandal, perhaps it might help if you didn't feel you were so much running away from something (turning into your father), as consciously blossoming into something (the type of person you want to be). Your question is all about who you don't want to be, and not very much about how you do want to be. For example, I have a friend whose father was a yeller, and he decided he 'didn't want to yell', only to find that wasn't sufficient. 'Not yelling' is not the same as 'communicating well'. When he started to think about how he wanted to behave when he got angry, and realized he was all tripped because he was really rigid about how he wanted not only to behave, but how he wanted to feel, which was 'not angry', even at things that made him angry. In addition, he wanted to not feel like yelling when he felt angry. And he didn't want to 'be like his father', to boot. That was what he didn't want. I think self reflection/ therapy helping him focus on what he did want, and why turning into his dad was such a trigger for him. (I seem to remember that he felt a good deal of relief when his therapist pointed out to him that technically speaking, he really couldn't ever 'turn into' his father even if he wanted to, because he had a different life experience, several different genes, and choice about how to live his life). In the end, I think he realized what he wanted to do was recognize and accept how he felt, and the appreciate that he had a choice on how he behaved. He said that therapy was helpful in sorting out what he could and could not control (What he could control was his behavior - what he couldn't control - what no one could control - was how he was raised [in a yelling-friendly family], and how he felt). That was the type of person he wanted to become, and I think that conscious effort to move towards something, rather than flee from something he feared was a good reframing for him. Your comments about 'turning into your dad' just brought that back to me. Hope this helps.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism

If you need helping exploring and changing aspects of your personality, and examining your childhood in the process, you are the perfect, textbook candidate for therapy. Which, frankly, sounds like a very good idea.

Everyone is a "narcissist" at heart. It's the human condition. No. Everyone has some narcissistic thoughts and feelings, and engages in some narcissistic actions. The terms "narcissist" and "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" are reserved for people with whom the narcissistic thoughts, feelings, and actions are so out of balance that they impair their inability to function in the ways they'd like (and sometimes, even impair their ability to function in ways that meet society's expectations at all). I would suggest that Vandal's control needs and need to be Top Person in all of his dealings with others are, indeed, impairing his ability to function in the ways he'd like, so it makes sense for him to find the diagnostic category relevant. Almost everyone has drunk more alcohol than they've wanted to at some point in their lives, but not everyone is an alcoholic. Saying "Everyone's an x" about psychological diagnostic categories is missing the point--these diagnoses describe out-of-balance states where an individual's ability to function is impaired.

You have already made a great start by: - reflecting upon yourself - admitting that there are parts of your personality that you don't like - drawing a comparison between your behaviour and your father's behaviour - deciding that you want to change what you don't like and improve yourself - deciding you would like to be less selfish and more caring Really, well done! A lot of people don't get anywhere near thoughts these honest. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about the whole 'hard-coded' personality thing. It is never too late to become more self-aware, and if you know what you want to change about yourself, then you will find a way. I have gone through a similar process recently, and I compared myself to my father just like you did. I'm very happy to say that I have progressed leaps and bounds since then, and I now consider myself a much more stable, selfless, likeable person than I was at the start of the year. I no longer look in the mirror and hate what I see, and I no longer see my father. Here is my recommendation to you: continue to reflect upon yourself. Continue to be brave in admitting things that may feel shameful. Just bringing out something you may have pushed into the dark and saying it, grounding it with words, is immensely helpful. It doesn't make any of your imperfections go away, but it does let you look at them from a distance. So keep thinking, and work out as much as you can about who you are now, what you don't like about yourself, and what you'd like to change. And then go to your wife and tell her everything. And apologise. And ask her what she thinks. And tell her you want to treat her better. And tell her that you don't want to be your father. And watch as everything opens up and becomes so much better.

Thwack. Oye Vey. Dude, you're really not getting it. I'll rely on Hustonian's lovely excerpts to highlight the following: You say your wife loved you for being "you" - i.e. 'understanding and extremely caring'. Yet by your own description you have treated her quite cruelly - calling her a 'booty call', using her for sex - but rejecting her desire to have a relationship, having a hissy fit when she didn't behave the way you wanted her to (as in defriending her) etc. I'm going to go out on an limb and speculate that you married such a young, inexperienced woman because you thought she would be easy to control and manipulate. Yet you're acutely aware of how her inexperience looks to others, so she's simultaneously a source of embarrassment to you. You can't make out with her because she's not really a full person to you - she's a prop, a character that you have to keep re-arranging to suit your own needs. Also, it's really not okay to use older women as therapy. Why? Because your USING them. Narcissism 102 - treating others as a means to an end, valuing people only to the extent that they are useful to you and are willing to serve your agenda. Leave the therapy to the pros. I still think you're on the right track, just don't expect that this is a problem you can 'correct' quickly and easily.

Narcissism posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:29 PM on October 31 [+] [!] Not helpful.

anitanita's point is excellent. I was a political activist for many years, and we always had a saying: "you win over more people by saying what you're for rather than just what you're against." Definitely take some time to consider the kind of positive qualities you'd like to cultivate, and the kind of person you'd like to be, both to yourself and others. (Therapy will be extremely useful in this regard, but you can also get started simply by thoughtful, humble contemplation.) If your main concern is that you don't want to be too controlling, for example, does that mean you want to be more easy-going, more patient, more tolerant of differences, more able to see multiple points of view, more empathetic in general? When you look at what you want to become as much as what you want to leave behind, by definition you'll be able to measure your progress in a positive rather than negative way (e.g., "today I was more willing to let my coworker do the task her way" rather than "today I didn't snap at someone."). Good luck.

Can you provide specific examples of where you think you are right and the others are wrong? If it is an objective issue (like 2 + 2 = 4 or the empire state building is x meters high) and the others still battle you, then its clear that you are right. If it is a subjective issue (like that movie was good, that color is nice) then its clear that anyone is permitted to have their opinion. And I believe there is a difference between letting people be who they are versus voicing your opinion when there is a dysfunctional situation. If your mom runs the house and its a dysfunctional chaos, maybe your father does have valid concerns. If you are surrounded by dysfunctional people, I don't believe that you have to accept their behavior. Alcoholic, self-destructive, etc.. Maybe they should listen to you for their own benefit. On the other hand, if you are controlling them for petty things, then its good to reflect on why or get help. You say that you prevent your wife from expressing herself. How exactly do you do that? Do you tell her to be quiet? Even if she is "wrong", she should be permitted to discuss something with you.