Do I force myself to feel the pain or do I let a callous grow?

Advice on what, exactly? Are you telling us that you're in love with your cousin? This is all very dramatic and grand, but clear it is not.

Are you depressed? Is that the pain you're talking about, just a general thing about life? Depression often makes people feel ashamed of the fact that they are in pain, and they want to hide it.

It's always so hard to get a good read on a situation just based on what's in a post, but your description makes it seem like it's a little more complicated than just you occasionally needing to reach out to a friend/family member for support. The way I'm reading it ("She is an amazing person," "...she does make me feel better every time I talk to her," etc), it sounds like you might be obsessing a bit on this cousin you met a few weeks ago, or unwittingly convincing yourself that she is The Only One Who Understands/Can Help/Cares About You ... do you think there might be any truth to that? I ask because I've allowed myself to play that "healer" role to people in the past, and it is so insidiously unhealthy for both parties. You both start buying into the roles that have been cast, and it feels good - you get the care and comfort of someone who does genuinely care about you, while she gets to be Needed and Helpful. Even if you start worrying that you shouldn't be laying your problems on her, she insists it's okay, that she's glad she can help - because she probably is glad to help even if it's becoming hard on her (again, Being Needed can be a powerful drug) ... you allow yourself to continue venting to her even though on some level it feels wrong, making you feel even worse about yourself after the quick fix of her attention wears off ... All the while you both get ever more entrenched in the way things are, with one person believing, "This is the one person who can help me, therapy won't make a difference because it's just talk and I can do that better with my cousin," while she is thinking "I am the only one who can help this person, I have to be There For Them at all times because they Need Me." The problem is that someone can care about you from the bottom of their heart, but if they're not truly qualified to help you handle your problems then it's just not enough. A good cry and a shoulder to cry on can be part of a support network, but if that's all there is things will never get better. It's obvious that you care about your cousin and that she cares about you, so please do what would be the most loving thing for both of you, and take steps now to get into therapy for yourself.

So you're really sad because you miss your cousin. You'd like to call her and tell her how miserable you feel because she says just what you need to hear and makes you feel better. Now you're worried that calling her may upset her. Is this right? I think you should call her often but don't focus on how much you miss her. It's nice to hear from friends and relatives but if somebody is always focusing on negatives or bad things I can't help with the calls get tedious. Those kinds of people quickly get sent to voice mail when their number pops up on my phone.

Regardless of there not being a question here, it sounds like you have really low self esteem. You also sound pretty young, 23, so that may be part of it as well. Coupled with an awesome trip to a far away destination to visit someone who has their shit together and is doing well is going to put you into this funk. Go see a therapist and figure out how to be happy with what you have. Don't burden someone else that you just met with your problems just yet and grow stronger. Once you can fend for yourself, then you can let them in on what is going on with you, but don't expect them to be your therapist.

I'm in favor of acknowledging the pain. That's where the growth is. The callous inhibits personal growth.

If your cousin doesn't mind being your shoulder to cry on.. Cry on her shoulder. You don't have to be strong.. all you have to do is be her shoulder to cry on when she needs it.

I like to let the callous grow and then when it's near steel level hardness play with so much vigor that I begin expierence pain as a blister forms underneath. I cut off the dead skin and then start the process over again. This is both true physically and metaphorically for me in some regards.

Thank you for the understanding mefi <3