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The exgf wants pics of when we were together, what do I do?

  • So the ex-gf wants the pictures from when we were together, what do I do? This is a continuation of this question: http://ask.metafilter.com/102725/Should-I-be-more-supportive-to-an-ex So she didnt contact me for a few months. Two days ago, her cousin, who I am friends with, msgd me and told me that the exgf asked her to ask me for a DVD which I had burned and was to give the ex before we broke up, but never got around to it. The DVD has hundreds of pics, mostly with me and her, but with her family and her friends who we used to all hang around with. I told the cousin I dont have the DVD anymore. I know the DVD isnt around anymore, it probably got thrown away after we broke up. However, I DO have all the pics on my laptop, simply because it has pics of MY friends too, and I honestly haven't had the heart in almost a year to go through them and take the ones I want out. So all the pics are sitting on my laptop. Today, the ex signs on to MSN with her mom's account (I know this seems weird, but they were family friends before we got together, and they are nice people. I don't talk to them to maintain a link with her, I just like them). She signs on to her mom's account and tells me how she would like to have the pics, that I promised her I'd give them to her but never did, and she'd like me to burn them for her. I told her to fuck off, but she continued to keep sending me msgs, and it continued to upset me so much, and I couldn't believe after almost one year I have not gotten over this. I just blocked the account. My question is this. I know how important pictures are, especially after moving to another country (the ex and I have both moved to different countries). Should I just ignore her request, or should I just pop in a blank DVD, and drag the relevant folders onto it, and just find some way to send it to her? Or did she give up all those rights to get these pictures and me going out of my way to do something kind for her, after what she's done to me? If it matters she has moved on already, started a new relationship within a few months of us breaking up, and that relationship seems to be pretty long-term. In the meantime I have been in two destructive, awful "pseudo" relationships, one of which I have posted about anonymously.

  • Answer:

    Personally, I think you are asking this question because in your heart you know that the right thing to do is just to give them to her, but you don't want to give in to her. Because you made the effort to be empathetic in the way you asked this question, I bet that you are a pretty nice person and would feel better about yourself in the long run if you gave her the pictures. But if you decide you don't want to, that's okay too.

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I told her to fuck off, but she continued to keep sending me msgs When a man ignores a woman's unambiguous demands that he stay out of her life, we call it "stalking" and tell the woman to contact the police. We don't advise "Give in to his immediate demand so he'll go away."

Joe Beese

You're doing just fine telling her to fuck off.

rhizome

I told her to fuck off, but she continued to keep sending me msgs... WTF? Just dump some photos on a DVD and mail it to her. 10 minutes work, at most, then she will be out of your life.

afx237vi

I think it's a bad idea. She wants to maintain contact with you, and sending the pics isn't going to resolve that. It sounds like, from your previous question, that there's always going to be something she needs to talk to you about or you need to do for her. Don't play the game. Continue to ignore.

electroboy

Furthermore: 10 minutes work, at most, then she will be out of your life. I do not think this advice is realistic. Did you read the other question?

rhizome

Also: ...after what she's done to me? From your previous thread it sounds like you had a fairly typical breakup, and it doesn't sound like she's "done" anything to warrant being denied what's hers. You truly want to shut her out of your life? It doesn't sound like it, since you're still holding onto something very valuable to her that you know she wants.

hermitosis

Don't be an asshole, send her the pics.

delmoi

Give her the pictures. First of all, you said you would. Second of all, the pictures, as well as the memories, are just as much hers as they are yours, and it's only fair that she would get to walk away with her share. She gave up any claim to fairness when she had what was apparently an emotional affair while they were together. If you read the other thread it appears you are arguing that it was OK for her to change the rules of the relationship, but it's not OK for him to change his mind about the pics. Let's talk about fair, from the other question: The same night she called a few days ago, I told her it's unfair of her to call me when she needs help. It's difficult for me, and I'm trying to deal with this how I can. I wish her happiness. She said she'd try not to call, and if she calls next time if I don't want to start this again, let me not answer. So her psychotic attitude is "OK, if you don't want to hear from me, don't pick up the phone!" If this was a guy saying it to a girl, history tells us that AskMeFi would be telling the OP to call the police and get a restraining order. The girl obviously has boundary problems. If a compromise is necessary, I would send her only the pics that had both of you in them.

rhizome

OK I read both questions and a couple of answers here. I am going to answer this to the best of my knowledge how I would feel in your shoes. This girl is obviously nuts (not medically but relationship wise.) She cheats on you, does things to ruin your trust in her and she is ok with that. However she still needs you as a comfort zone. Why buy the cow when the milk is free. However part of you still loves her. It might not be a romantic love anymore but still part of what you had for her is still there or else you would have either sent the pix or deleted them already. She is going to use this love you still have for her against you any chance she can. Not because she is evil but because she is a selfish person. You need to summon up the courage and face your demons. I feel you need to cut and paste... not copy and paste... these pictures to a CD and mail them to her. This will symbolize that you are ready to give up whatever feelings are still there and move on. This letting go will help you in the long run. The reason your other two relationships didn't last is because you are still stuck on her. When you mail her the pix also include a note that says this is the last thing I am ever going to do for you. The thought of what we had is too painful. I cannot be your friend. Then after this build yourself an emotional wall of ice and stone in regards to her. She e-mails you saying her life is a mess.... delete it. She mails you a letter... burn it. She calls, hang up. She comes to your door in the middle of the night wearing nothing but a coat, crying that new dude doesn't love her.... say "it's not my problem" and shut the door. Sometimes we love people who are unhealthy for us. I like the quote "Love is an emotional excuse to let someone fuck you." This can be true in some cases.

Mastercheddaar

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