How can I help my boyfriend relate with people better?

I'm not sure how much good you're going to do by forcing him to be interested in other people. I'm sure there are issues that a doctor or therapist could help with, but it sounds like you're upset that he's not more interested in meeting your needs, and yet you're asking here how to help meet his needs. I think, to some extent, that if you're fed up with him behaving selfishly, then you need to stop giving him so much. Tell him that you're at the end of your rope, and let him start doing the work he needs to do to fix it. (Or not, in which case, you may want to question whether you really want to be with someone who's ignoring your needs so blatantly.) Even if he has ADD and you're willing to support him as he finds strategies for coping, it just seems like putting all the responsibility on yourself for finding and implementing those strategies is a LOT to ask a partner to bear.

(By that, I mean "it's a lot for you to bear," not for your boyfriend to bear.)

Does he recognize that he's got a problem, and is he committed to working on it? You sound like a very loving girlfriend, and if he gets bored when you're talking, he's exhausted your personal reserves, and you've gotten to the point where you think you deserve someone less selfish, it sound he might not be motivated and therefore capable of change. You don't mention that he's troubled by his own behavior or it's affect on you.

Does your boyfriend want to change his relations with people? If he does--regardless of how anyone wants to label/medicalize it (ADD, Asberger's, unkind male stereotype, etc.)--he should look into books previously suggested here like Intimate Connections (D. Burns), some of the early Dale Carnegie books (esp. for workplace tact/finesse--they read a little cheesy but are still very valuable and address many of the issues you mention), etc., look into therapy options, explore any ADD connection with his physician, etc. However, it sounds like you're the one who has the biggest problem with this behavior, though, and you're right, you may have exhausted your personal reserves, and you do deserve someone who isn't selfish (if this is in fact a simple case of selfishness on his behalf that extends to other parts of your relationship). You're his GF, not his therapist or mom--it's not your job to spend years working with him to help him remember to let other people talk and cueing him to ask others how they are doing. Tell him, matter-of-factly and without rancor, that you're not going to do this anymore. It will be his decision to sink or swim socially. He can hire someone (i.e. a therapist) to take over your old job of social coach, or check out some books at the library for self study. Or he can decide he's doing fine just the way he is. If you can't deal with a BF who is socially tactless, that is a whole different issue.

Doesn't sound like ADHD to me. There exists a personality trait or disorder, depending on how you look at it: at the mild end, you get people like your boyfriend. Slightly farther down, it's called Asperger's Syndrome. Farther than that, it's called autism. Due to the increasing prevalence of this, people have speculated that it's due to some chemical in the environment, but no one knows for sure (yet). Whatever it is, it doesn't change much. You can work with him a bit, get a therapist, whatever, and quite possibly small changes can occur. But the problem is deep: people aren't that interesting to him. Don't take it personally, ALL people aren't that interesting. It's not selfishness, just disinterest. Depending on how far down the scale he is, it may be almost impossible for him to learn the behaviors that you want from him. You try feigning interest in vector calculus or the sex lives of centipedes and see how long you can manage it. That said, you've spent years at this and are dissatisfied. Accordingly, you have a decision to make: either accept the way he is or leave.

Sounds exactly like my sister. Although you shy away from labeling his behavior "selfish" others might not be so generous. The label we've settled on regarding sis is "narcissistic" and after a little web research into that term, you'll lose hope for any improvement.

Anonymous writes... I know that he really isn't that selfish.... ...In fact, I think that I can't handle it anymore. I deserve someone who isn't selfish! You seem a little conflicted about whether he is selfish or not. To paraphrase Forrest Gump, "Selfish is as selfish does." I think you've done the right thing in telling him this is a problem for you, and in asking him to get help. There's not much you can do beyond that. If he fails to get help for it, I encourage you to bail and go get what you deserve elsewhere. Even if he does get help for it, you may not have the patience to wait while he does his personal work. Take care.

I also know someone that sounds like this and in her case it isn't ADD (although I don't know the specifics of your case). Unfortunately there's no "cure" for self-absorbtion other than life experience. And sometimes even that doesn't change things. There's lots of guys that aren't so into themselves. So if that's a dealbreaker, break it.

What jellicle and tkolar said. I also thought "Asperger's" when I heard your description. And remember: just because you can find a *name* for his selfishness, doesn't mean he isn't selfish or self-absorbed, or at least far less absorbed with other people than you'd like (maybe, for example, with an incredible fascination with the sex life of centipedes or other non-people subjects). You've worked with him for years and are dissatisfied with at least this part of your relationship. Many people wouldn't give someone who appears selfish a month of their time, or a second date. Don't assume he'll change, but instead balance the positives with the negatives as things stand right now, and decide.