What degree of indepdence is appropriate for a long-term relationship / marriage?

Could have something to do with who I choose for girlfriends, also, but I dunno. Your post says it all. These are the people you choose for mates. Why do you choose who you choose? It might help to quit analyzing her and concentrate on that for a while. Why are you choosing clingy, controlling, and jealous people for mates? Does this feel comfortable? Can you recognize the signs that someone will be this way? Perhaps they are choosing you? What is about you that telegraphs ease of manipulation? You realize that you are not going to change an adult female human's basic psychological makeup, right? She's had 20+ years to solidify into the person that she is and there are literally millions of transactions that brought that personality into being. As a self-admitted 'clueless' male, do you really think you're going to engineer her into an accepting, warm and trusting woman? If so, wear the 'clueless' logo with pride... you qualify as an optimist of a particularly rare variety. Successful relationships are those where the participants belong WITH each other, not TO each other. You are first and foremost, an independent entity.

http://ask.metafilter.com/68052/What-degree-of-indepdence-is-appropriate-for-a-longterm-relationship-marriage#1018732 may be right (hard to tell since we have no way of knowing if your girlfriend is temporarily being silly or if she is pathologically this way). Your girlfriend is sincerely insecure. Whether this is 100% her problem, or whether there are things you could (easily) be doing to make her feel more secure, what you have to do regardless is tell her that you are unwilling to continue down this path with somebody that won't even acknowledge they are being unreasonable. (It's the whole Dr Phil "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" cliche!) Just throwing another perspective into the mix, may not be popular but it's worked for me in similar situations. I would tell your girlfriend that for her benefit, you will stop hanging out with this particular friend (E), at this point in time, on the proviso that she admits she is being unreasonable and that she is going to have to gradually get used to you having friends, male and female. There's no reason why you can't comfort her for the time being, while her insecurities are still strong, if you can get her to admit this is controlling behaviour and that she has to work on it. Most people aren't complete lunatics, which is why this has worked for me before. But of course, this won't work if she is in complete denial. However, if you try this little experiment, and she fails, you will know you have to leave.

Her request for you to not have any female friends is, generally speaking, beyond the pale. While we all make allowances for people our SOs feel threatened by (recent exes, for instance, especially if they are, say, famous actors, porn stars, or people you've cheated with in the past [see: Carrie, Big, and Aidan]), these should be worked through with the idea that you both are moving towards a relationship in which those things are not an issue. There are people out there that will not ask this of you, and will in fact celebrate your relationships with other people, of all sexes.

I'm not going to disagree with most of what's been said here. Your girlfriend may in fact be insecure, insanely jealous, controlling, etc. However, you may want to reconsider the possibility that she's right about E. You know that saying, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." Is your relationship with E such that you can explain the situation to her and ask her whether your girlfriend is justified in being concerned? (And expect her to give you an honest answer?) Also, since you know how your girlfriend feels about E and know her established and perhaps justified issues with infidelity, why even bring E up? Were you trying to provoke the girlfriend, maybe? I think sometimes we subconsciously create crises in order to bring unresolved issues to the forefront, issues that we're particularly reluctant to deal with otherwise.

Try not to focus on the fact that our answers today come to the consensus of "Yes, the way she feels is unjustified," and try to focus on the fact that you now need to find a way to fix this issue. mjao is on the right track, by giving you a course of action that may actually help resolve your girlfriend's feelings. This course of action's effectiveness comes from the fact that it is sensitive to the way your SO feels, and I cannot stress the importance of sensitivity enough. (Not that I'm implying that you have done or would do this, but) Throwing up your hands and saying "You're ridiculous! I've done nothing to deserve this!" does nothing to allay her fears, and thus does not register with her as anything other than criticism and alienation, when what you need to be doing is drawing her closer and making her feel more secure. It's her responsibility to learn not to be this way, but that doesn't mean that there aren't steps you can take to help her, so please go into this with the mindset that you Want To Help This Woman You Love (motivated out of desire to make her happy), not Want The Nagging To Stop (motivated out of annoyance and frustration). Positivity in that regard will go a long way.

cut her some slack if she's faced infidelity before, as you mention. She has to learn that she can trust you. Or, gosh, maybe she has to learn that her personal worth doesn't come from imposing ridiculous constraints on those she's with, or that a man may respect a woman who gives him freedom more than one who tries to take it away? Cut her some slack? Not seeing, talking to, or MENTIONING another woman? Slack? No, cut her all the way loose, and maybe she'll catch on that such behavior is not acceptable to anyone who's not a doormat. She needs therapy, medication, or a strong dose of cold water. Restricting others isn't the way to any kind of healthy relationship for either party. It's a great shortcut to high stress and disappointment, though. And if she's had "infidelity" problems before, I imagine it wouldn't be hard to guess why! Run, Sarge! Run!

I don't disagree but there's still the possibility that there's more to this than what we here know, including the OP in that "we'. The girlfriend may have some knowledge about E or about the poster that justifiies her feelings. The poster may be obtuse about E's true intentions. E may be playing a long-shot; there might not always be a separation by country and the poster may not always be with the girlfriend. Perhaps the only reason the relationship was platonic is because the girlfriend--from's E's perspective--was "in the way". Even if E was the sluttiest, boyfriend stealing whore in the whole world, that doesn't justify the girlfriend's response. It shows a complete lack of trust on her part. Unless the OP is missing something out, he has done nothing to deserve this level of mistrust. The alcoholism analogy doesn't really work here, it would it he had an affair with E or if he'd asked her to give up a close male friend and then was flaunting his relationship with E in her face.... but from what the OP has said, that isnt the case. He's not indulging in something that she is denied and flaunting it at her. She's not the only person in the world who's been cheated on. Even if its happened multiple times.

I agree with everyone else, but please cut her some slack if she's faced infidelity before, as you mention. She has to learn that she can trust you. Yeah, she has to learn that she can trust you by being a petty dictator and seeing what kind of unreasonable demands she can get away with. Jesus, shut up. sergeant sandwich, this girl is trying to control you in the most repugnant way-- first it's contact with E, then it's all women. Soon it will be specific male friends and before you know it you'll have no friends, which is exactly what she wants because she wants you to be dependent on her.

It's funny, I was just thinking today, before I saw this question (I think it's somewhat relevant): if men and women can't be just friends - or in your case, if it's inappropriate, in the context of a serious and committed relationship, to have platonic friends of the opposite sex, because there's a potential threat there - what do bisexual people do? Do they get to have friends at all?