How to Help a Sick Friend Feel Less Alone With Her Pain

Been there for a long period of time a few years ago. It was a completely new feeling for me when the pain just went on and on, nothing helped, and I sort of lost control over my own life. I get panic attacks even when I'm otherwise healthy and I recognise the helplessness you describe. I don't think you need to be expressly upbeat. Just be yourself, only tone down a bit on your physical ailment department, if you normally talk a lot about those sort of things. That was the one thing, besides pity, I really couldn't stand. People going on and on about their illnesses (real or not) in great detail. I've always hated it, and being in pain myself made it worse. Things I didn't want to hear, but often did, were - "Can't the doctors do anything?" - "Have you tried this drug / dietary supplement / doctor / hospital / treatment method / whatever?" - "Hi, are you feeling any better today?" (I didn't mind people asking how I was, I just hated the phrasing. "What's up" or "how's it going" would've been so much nicer.) - "Oh, you look awful / so tired / exhausted!" (One of my friends is still telling me how awful I looked at the time. Not the way to go...) What would've helped: Talking about what we'll do when the pain's gone. Making silly and outrageous plans, maybe serious ones too. Take it seriously in the sense that some of your plans are actually carried out when she's feeling better. Make sure she understands you're serious about this. Bets and dares and challenges for or about the future would've been cool. Just having something positive to look forward to is important, because pain makes you live in the moment in the worst possible way. I had no plans or hopes for the future in that situation. I would've needed distractions and positive things to look forward to. Otherwise I wouldn't have wanted my friends to bring up my situation. The caretaker mode feels so patronising, even if people are trying to help. Terry Pratchett phrased it well, about his Alzheimer's: "I know it's a very human thing to say 'Is there anything I can do,' but in this case I would only entertain offers from very high-end experts in brain chemistry." That's exactly how I felt at the time: if you're not a surgeon or something, could we please not talk about this (yes, a badly herniated disc is very different from Alzheimer's, but that feeling's the same). The Deej's idea of a brief and honest talk is a good one. I would've been grateful if someone had done that for me. Depending on her medication, she may be too tired to watch long movies. I couldn't sleep properly because of the pain, and the medication made me tired too, so I was in a constant haze. I would've found tv series with shorter episodes easier than movies. Maybe The Simpsons, or something similar with lots of seasons and episodes. It was easier to read books I knew almost by heart than books I hadn't read before. That way it didn't matter so much if I drifted in and out of sleep while reading. And I didn't want to read any great new books because I would've associated them later with the period of my life I really don't want to remember at all. If you both enjoy the same book(s), could you read them aloud together, switching the reader every couple of pages? Some painkillers can mess with eyesight but hearing isn't usually affected, so it may be easier to listen. Do you speak any foreign language? In my sleep-deprived haze, I would've loved to just listen to the flow a foreign language. Especially metric poetry. Find things you can do together, something physical or practical. Go for a walk if she's up to it. File old papers, organise photos. Cook or bake something together, but don't offer to cook or bake for her. Be sure to do it together and take some of the food home, so it's not as if you're only doing it to take care of her needs. You could ask her to help you with something she can do - you know her limits at the moment. That would make her feel she's not the only one needing help. I would've loved to offer suggestions to other people's questions or problems during the time I could only do stuff with either my hazy brain or my hands, and very little else.

I was in this position once. I am also in a caretaker position with my mom now. One thing I can say is that if this had to happen to her, it's good that it's happening now instead of later in life, in a way, especially if her condition turns out to be one that cannot be completely ameliorated. This time in one's life is a better time to reconsider one's expectations, when one has much more time to make the most of those revised expectations. What you can do, as a non-caretaker friend of a similar age who does not have such a condition? 1) Make sure to keep her on your radar, yes. On the other hand, while it's good to be available and supportive it's not good to "check in" in a way that will make her feel like a charity case. I don't think you think she is; I think simply care about her as a friend would. But being in her position it's possible she may interpret certain overtures that way. 2) Understand that if she lets you fall off the radar for a while, it's probably nothing personal. If that does happen, she's probably still evaluating http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/, so to speak. Pain is draining. Once she gets into a routine of things that work for her (and/or possibly, hopefully gets completely better), she'll likely hope you'll understand her previous distance and want to re-connect. 3) Personally I had a few control issues when my condition set in. Here I was at the age when I was supposed to be going off into the world claiming my life, and I couldn't! So while I think it's a really great idea to have some suggestions for activities under your belt, the more important thing is to listen to what she thinks works for her, at least for now until she's had enough time to get used to the idea that she has this to deal with and has come to some level of acceptance of it. 4) All of this said, illness and disability can be depressing for people who knew a different way of life before it happened to them. If you think she may be struggling with depression or anxiety, most suggestions of what to do for any other person in a mental health struggle would apply.

Oh, hmm. Kinda been there, and I'm having a hard time coming up with an answer because it was such a damned awful time I don't like to think about it at all, and have deliberately forgotten as much as possible... Distraction is best. Exhausting her might not be a bad thing if it's a well-spent day busy with something that makes her forget, to the extent possible, all the physical crappiness. A day trip to something interesting in the next town, something like that. Tell her she's holding up beautifully given everything that's going on; even if she looks awful and is a little nutty, she is still holding up, right? Try to be interested in at least a little bit of what sort of treatments she's getting. If you can listen to a half hour discourse about the merits and drawbacks of Pyridium Plus, please listen, and offer feedback. Those last two might be a bit caretaker-y/obvious; sorry. Again: distract. Go out for dinner and talk about current events. Let her tell you when she's not up to something rather than regularly asking if she is up to it/is okay. Find good stuff on DVD and head over for a marathon viewing of whatever show on days when you know she's housebound.

Hmm, I was trying to find an essay I read years ago -- I'll keep looking. One thing to keep in mind is that a person with a chronic illness may not be able to keep all plans, and may not be able to maintain the her usual side of social relations. (Sort of like the recent AskMe about a father with a new girlfriend and a flaky babymamma.) To the extent you can go with the flow with your friend, and not seemed surprised or dismayed when she needs to cancel, or have you come to her house instead of go out, I think she would appreciate it.

This http://www.myida.org/help.htmseems useful (not the essay I was remembering).

http://cfids.net/resources/for-those-who-care.asp#Friends, article on http://www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/relationships/friends-family/parents-siblings/chronic-illness-support, here's another piece on http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/271483/longterm_support_for_family_and_friends.html.

I spent a while in hospital after a car accident a few years ago, and I really appreciated the friends who visited me and called. I also got a few great gifts- a sketchbook & markers (so visiting friends could sign the book, as though it was a cast), CDs and DVDs, and some easy-to-read stuff like magazines and funny short stories. Just get fun, intellectually bite-sized stuff to distract her. And send her daily short fun emails with links to funny stuff on youtube, pretty photosets on flickr, jokes, human-interest blogs, interesting short articles, etc.- find stuff on metafilter, boingboing, kottke, etc. Of course you should engage with her about her medical problems whenever she wants to talk about them, but also provide lots of non-medical stimuli for her. And tell her she looks nice even if she doesn't. Say stuff like, "I can't believe you manage to make a hospital gown look cute." But really, as I recall, the best thing my friends did was just show up a lot and bring diversions- recuperation is hella boring!

Great suggestions above. If you have a computer calendar like Outlook, maybe a reminder (daily, weekly) to email her, call her.

Spinal surgery at 26? I hope it's for something besides the herniated disc.