Mid-Life Virgin?

• I am a 30-year-old Chicago male, and I am still a virgin. Indeed, I've not done much physically in my life; although I have dated women and have had some physical moments, I have only French-kissed a girl once, and have only touched a woman's breasts once while at a New York strip club a very long time ago (with her permission). Why so? Well, I never was very popular with women, although I have had a few very short relationships scattered over the last 15 years or so. I suppose the biggest three are that (1) I went to an ultraconservative college where curfews were enforced and sex was punishable by expulsion; (2) I moved to Chicago a year after graduating; and (3) during college and the years after, I gained a considerable amount of weight. I now weigh 325 pounds. Let's make it clear: I intend to lose the weight, and indeed already have lost a relatively good amount. I may even wait on dating until I'm much closer to my ideal weight. You guys gave good advice to totally_generic in a thread a while ago. (I am not him; I merely ran across the link to that old thread when t_g recently posted asking directions as to hire a prostitute, as it's certainly a thought that's crossed my mind.) That gave me the courage to seek your advice on this one. So ... I have two questions for the MeFi crowd. First, how rare are 30-year-old male virgins? Has anyone here lost their virginity after 30? (I suppose I mean to exclude from this question people who purposefully made a choice to abtain prior to marriage.) Does anyone have any (preferably recent) links or materials as to the age when men lose their virginity? Even if I knew that it was as low as 1% of the population, that still lets me think to myself that that probably translates into at least 100 or 200 guys in the same boat here in Chicago, and ten or twenty thousand nationally. It would let me feel a little less like the Only Virginal Freak in the World. My second question is for the women here. Please tell me, honestly, what your reaction to a partner would be if he told you he was a virgin. Don't try to spare my feelings, because I frankly need your honesty here. My initial desire is to be honest with whomever my first partner is, because we'll be in a caring relationship, and heck, for all I know, it might be a positive thing in their eyes. But I've heard from a few (male) friends of mine that this is something I shouldn't reveal ... that it will make them wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Of course, there's also the fact that my first time will probably very obviously be my first time to my partner whether I tell her or not. So, *thud*, there's the question(s). I await with no small amount of terror the responses ...

• Answer:

  Here's my take (woman, mid-30s). First off, I wouldn't mention being a virgin right off the bat. Not that it's something I think you should be ashamed of or embarrassed by (though I will admit that that's probably pretty easy for me to say) -- I just think that it's got the potential to be a loaded issue that would cast a certain... pallor (not quite the word I want!) on those early getting-to-know-you interactions that first dates are all about. (Note: this is, of course, not an issue if -- as scarabic says above -- you are interested in finding or happen to wind up dating a woman for whom being with a virgin is important.) Dating is about finding out if two people can click on various different levels -- do you laugh together? Do you share interests and hobbies? Do you enjoy each other's company? Try to focus on those factors as you date and go through the process of finding a potential partner. As for the woman's point of view: I've never dated a virgin, though I was involved for quite a long time with someone who had only had one other sexual partner (and that had been several years before we started dating when he was in his late 20s). The problem was not so much his inexperience per se, but that he wasn't particularly forthcoming about it, I think because he knew that I had more experience than he did. The result was that I think we were both pretty unsatisfied by the physical side of things most (though certainly not all) of the time, because we just didn't particularly click physically very well, and that took its toll on the relationship emotionally for both of us. So I would suggest this (and this is purely my own take on how I'd want to be informed by a partner who's a virgin): once you find someone you're interested in getting physical with, let the first phase of that happen naturally -- a gentle kiss, a cuddle, etc. -- without comment. Once you progress to the next level of making out, casually say something (at a natural pause in the proceedings) along the lines of "wow, you know, I don't have a lot of experience with this, but this feels great -- let me know if things are going too fast or too slow for you." What you've basically said there is that you're open to verbal/non-verbal clues from her in terms of how to proceed. And then pay attention: as you proceed, you might be so amazed by how good you feel that you don't notice things from her -- the "yes, do that" signs (which may include actually saying "yes, do that" or some variation thereof!), or more importantly, the "no, not that" signs. But you need to be alert to what she enjoys as much as what you enjoy. I think there are a couple of novice mistakes to watch out for: Kissing: Do not kiss so limply that you resemble a dead fish. You know when you shake someone's hand and it just sort of lays there? Don't do the kissing equivalent. Conversely, do not do the kissing equivalent of the guy who crushes your hand when you shake it, either! Don't force your tongue in her mouth, and don't stick it out like you're making a face at someone. Fondling/cuddling: Always err on the side of gentleness to begin with. Even the most hearty girl will be startled by having her nipples treated like radio tuners right out of the gate. Start slow and gentle; things can always get faster as you proceed, but the "attack, then back off as necessary" approach isn't advisable. You'll note that I didn't say you should mention your virgin status at this point (i.e., the first make out session), just that you don't have a lot of experience (which isn't a lie). I say that because I think the first time or two you fool around with someone, you don't want to imply that you necessarily expect that making out will lead to sex right then and there -- and to me, hearing the word "virgin" at that point would possibly imply to me that you were expecting the encounter to proceed to intercourse. Also, I think it's advisable for you not to have sex right off the bat -- spend time (weeks? months?) getting to know your partner and yourself physically at this level. It's fun! After making out a couple of times, I think you're ready to be specific about not having had sex before. I also think this conversation needs to happen when you're not already getting physical -- the ideal time, to me, would be a time when you're alone, feeling comfortable, maybe talking about how "things" are going between you, your arm around her, etc. I would then say something along the lines of, "hey, I'd like to tell you something. Remember when I said I didn't have much experience? The fact is, I've never actually had sex before. I really enjoy the physical side of things between us, and so I wanted you to know that beforehand if things proceed to the next level." Don't be embarrassed, don't feel ashamed, don't make excuses for yourself. (Though if she wants to talk about it, cool.) It's honest, but it's also not about making your virginity the issue but rather as a component that both of you can take into account if and when you proceed to lovemaking. And who knows... she may have always dreamed of "teaching" someone the ropes! ;)