How different between 'attraction' and 'attractiveness?

Given that people usually pair off with those having similar levels of physical attractiveness, how does this happen? Is there something in the brain that causes a person to be attracted to someone others may not find attractive?

• I’m surprised I haven’t found this question elsewhere. And it’s not as shallow as it sounds. Let’s accept as fact (and therefore not discuss) that there are many components of attraction. That some value looks more than others. That attraction is a process with a lot of variables. But for the sake of the question, let’s just pare it down to the type of initial feeling of attractiveness one may feel toward another while walking down the street. This question is about looks but it does not suggest that looks are the only factor in attraction. Yet lets contextualize the discussion into only the physical component of attractiveness. Let’s accept as reality that some people –by the standards of our culture – are attractive, and conversely, there are others who are unattractive. And everything in between. And as if the evidence on the street isn't enough, studies have shown that people tend to pair off with those of similar levels of attractiveness. What is the engine that drives this?  And as a side note, it makes me uncomfortable even describing a hypothetical person as “unattractive” as if it’s a defining characteristic of who they are as a person. But it’s necessary for the sake of the question. Presumably an unattractive man finds a supermodel just as attractive as an extremely attractive man who would “have a chance” with the supermodel. Yet the unattractive man is happy with the woman who matches his physical profile, while the extremely attractive man would presumably not find this woman attractive. The driving force behind this question is the uncertainty some have (myself included) about how attractive they are. Many things can affect a person’s self image and confidence to the point where they have no idea how they appear to other people. How does a person like that even know who to approach and speak with? So how does everyone seem to wind up with someone who matches their attractiveness? Speaking for myself, I couldn't point out a physical "match" for me if you put a gun to my head.

• Answer:

  If we take away other variables like intelligence, charisma, other character traits from D&D and focus just on looks, I think it's a matter of trying to simultaneously optimize for your mate's attractiveness and your own internal comfort level.  (My answer hinges on the assumption that attractiveness is objective.  I'm also assuming that people who end up matched with someone of similar attractiveness are aware that their partner isn't necessarily a 10 but that this awareness is offset by the aforementioned comfort level.) I've dated men who have been a lot better looking than me, and I felt dreadfully insecure about the relationship.  I've wondered if perhaps they're dating me because my delightfully witty conversation has somehow fooled them into thinking I'm prettier than I am and that one day the magic will wear off.  Or if perhaps they just think I'm good in bed/feel extra relaxed in bed with me because they don't have to impress me as much.  Or if perhaps when they first saw me, I had a really good hair/skin day.  Or whether I fulfilled some kind of obscure fetish/checkbox (e.g. "I've always wanted to be with a naggy Jew").  Constant feelings of inadequacy do not a lasting relationship make. I've also dated men who have been far uglier than me, and I couldn't help but 1) feel superior and completely in control of the relationship and 2) be somewhat embarrassed when introducing these men to friends/family.   Power plays and fear of social ostracization do not a lasting relationship make, either. Therefore, the goal is to find someone who is good-looking enough to not cause weird power trips/social discomfort and who is not so good-looking to cause a constant state of panic. Gender-specific addendum: I would imagine that if I were a man, I'd also be worried about things like approach anxiety, which would increase as a function of a woman's attractiveness. However, I am generally not the instigator or the one who does the picking up, so I can't speak to these things.