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Why Do I Feel So Nervous and Uncomfortable Around Men?

Why do I feel uncomfortable being physically affectionate with men I am attracted to?

  • I have no problem hugging friends (both male and female), but when it comes to men I am dating (especially the first few dates), I find myself being very closed off physically.  Particularly if we are around other people. I know that I like them and that I'm attracted to them, but feel uncomfortable hugging, kissing (or touching them in any way) until I really get to know them. I feel that this is a problem because men, who lean in for a kiss on the first, second, third, (even fourth) date think that I don't like them because I pull away. Why am I this way? Is it normal? Can I change?

  • Answer:

    Maybe you're insecure and have body image problems. That would make you human. Could be you're afraid of intimacy, humans are like that. Maybe your mother was a cactus and your father was a porcupine and the idea of experiencing any more of that spiny love shit just makes you weary, weary and irritated, and as the invitation to greater intimacy presents itself in the form of a kiss, some deep part of you hell bent on your survival and long term happiness takes over and says "to hell with this shit get your soul sucking lips out of my face I've got a life to lead, thank you very much." Remember I did say "maybe."Or it could be that like me you are very slow to warm up to physical intimacy. That would make you a normal human who is not ready for physical contact until, well until you're ready for physical contact. My advice to you would be to accept who you are, what you want, and the form you want it in. Forget accept - hell embrace it! It's old advice - but love yourself. Once you get that down the rest is cake. There are pitfalls. Men want to get laid and they don't always hang around till you get comfortable. That means that you and that guy are or would be a bad fit. Also there is the mixed message thing. A deflection from contact is often taken as rejection. You can clear that up with conversation. Humor helps. (A boyfriend once called me the crock pot of love, slow to warm up but eventually hot and steamy. I've used that line ever since.) Whatever you do, please do only what you want to do. You own your body and your experience, and while your sensibilities might not make sense to everybody they make sense to me. I have been able to meet some great          ( usually patient ) guys who hung in there until I was ready to reach for the belt buckle. You will too.

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Other answers

If you said that you were new to dating because you just turned 17, or 18, then I would say no problem. It's normal. However, if you've dated awhile then maybe you just don't want to seem too eager. Insecure maybe, only you can answer that. Ask some of your close girlfriends that know you well. If it continues just tell your date that you like them but your just not the huggy type until you know them well. Yes, you can change if you want.

Mike Criner

Because you know it is sexual. The intimacy part is being triggered in you. You need to discover what that is about. Your body is having a reaction and you don't know why. (we don't either) Anything new is anxiety producing but this is something you say you want. Certainly you can change but go find out what is going on before a possible jack in the box jumps up, scares you and ruins something you would love.

Mike Leary

Being uncomfortable with physical intimacy doesn't always mean anything about being insecure about your body. Sometimes its about the intimacy leading into something else that's profoundly deeper, and there are people who think seven steps ahead of everyone else and see the future in a long term perspective. Sometimes those people who can see where every step leads them, know of certain outcomes and those make them uncomfortable in itself. If this is the problem, then my suggestion is to take a risk. People have the incredible ability to be surprising. Though that thought itself, may make someone uncomfortable in relinquishing that control. If such is the case then simply time and the right person to help ensure comfort in the reality of chaos. Sometimes physical intimacy has nothing to do with the physical at all. Sometimes its all mental. Its important to understand if one is uncomfortable with the physical aspect or if it is the emotional intimacy that leads into that. Sometimes its about the ongoing commitment that some people are wary of. That's something that is to be determined by the individual.

Anonymous

My girlfriend is the total opposite, she's overly affectionate and I'm a little more laid back. She complains about that constantly but I think its normal. Some people want to be held and told they're beautiful to spark their self esteem. I love my girl but at times its hard consistly show someone u care 24/7 just to keep them happy. But it takes practice and dedication to do this if u aren't used to it.

Foster Ukah

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