How can I tell my husband that he needs to work and not stay at home and take care of the kids?

This could really be one of two different questions. "Our family can't make ends meet unless my husband gets a job. How can I convince him of this?" If this is the problem, he needs to quickly get an accurate idea of the family budget. The two of you need to go over the budget together (find child care so you can concentrate!) until you have a shared understanding that the family needs income from him. Get help from someone you both trust on money matters if necessary, and start listening to the Dave Ramsey radio show or podcast:  http://www.daveramsey.com/home/ "My husband would prefer to spend more time with the children, and I would prefer other things." That's a lot tougher, whether the other things are material things you would buy with his income, or your own time with the kids, or just your expectations of him. When you say you are not willing to accept something, you're really saying, "If A happens, I will do B." What's your B?

It rarely works to tell a man to "be a man" by doing whatever you feel is the right thing to do. Unless he feels it's the right thing to do, too, he's being a sheep if he does it. So, how about reviewing what it is you really want here, because it's a scary situation that can go horribly wrong. Is it for him to provide a certain amount of income? The most you can count on getting from him with an ultimatum is what a judge thinks is reasonable child support if he walks away from your ultimatum. Is it for him to get no more time with the kids than you do? Or to spend no less time dealing with a boss than you do? Or is it to keep your standing as a traditional couple in your family or community? Once you know what it is YOU want, it's time to ask, gently and not as an inquisition, what he wants. Why? Because the two might be perfectly compatible, even though it sounds like they are not because you are discussing one particular way of achieving them. What he wants is possibly to be a bigger influence on the kids or to work at something kinder and more nurturing that his last job, but more likely it is to avoid the rejection of job-hunting. Testosterone makes rejection a good deal harder for men than we estrogen-producers usually appreciate. If dealing with rejection is the problem, your disapproval of his unemployment or his settling into it as a househusband may actually make it harder to look for work. If he would prefer working at a job to providing childcare, you two want the same thing and can work together. If he thinks he would enjoy providing childcare but is not currently providing it, you might want to let him try it for a month. It's not at all what most of us expect. And if it's to change careers, you might be a great sounding board for him as he figures out what he needs.

Have you carefully considered the financial contribution that one partner makes to the marriage when he/she stays home? The savings are tremendous in many ways. Day care. Clothing allowances. Transportation. Frugal shopping. No 'hired help'. More meals at home. And on and on. And the 'work load' is just as demanding as a 'day job'.  I know.  I was a stay-at-home mom for many years. And the things you would be freed from: Car pools. PTA (school) meetings. Chauffeuring. Homework help. Shopping. Etc., etc.... An old adage says, 'A man works from sun to sun, but a woman's work is never done'. That could go both ways.

I would recommend finding a good marriage counselor to help you have this conversation.  It seems common for couples to not be very good at having these kinds of discussions in a productive and loving way that solves the problem for both people.  A counselor will help you bring all of the issues and expectations out into the open in an honest and loving way, so that you can find a solution together.  This process usually brings people closer together, teaches them how to communicate more openly, and helps them connect on a deeper level. Of course, this is assuming that you love your husband and would prefer to deal with it in a loving way, rather than just assuming he should just do whatever you and tradition demand of him without question.

I recommend saying "This is a situation I will not accept." There's really no need to complicate it. Tell him what you told us -- that you cannot see him as a Real Man unless he is working, and you find it unacceptable for him to stay home taking care of the house and the kids. I assume that by "I will not accept this situation," you mean that you will divorce him if he doesn't comply with your wishes. That is, after all, how one shows that one will not accept something from one's spouse. So you may want to get a divorce attorney's phone number in case his ideas about masculinity don't exactly line up with yours.

If your husband is more interested in taking care of children and home, why shouldn't he be allowed to do so? Only because he is a Male? If you are having financial constraints then its different story altogether. Are you ready to accept the situation with roles reversed? If the answer is yes and you can afford with one person earning, it really should not matter who is that person. A "Real" man or even woman is not the one who does something stereotypical. In fact, the strength lies in doing something which you really love and being best at it, that's what gets best output from you. Forcing someone into  some task only because of the gender is more or less similar to forcing someone to become Doctor/Engineer even though that person hates doing it. Such people will never be able to give their best. And its never good for society.

before you tell someone to do something, please examine the reasons for you to say it.. let's put your ego and your view of historical separation of gender activities and instead focus on the immediate needs of your family: food and shelter.. do you have food? do you have shelter? is your income alone will provide you with that? do you absolutely need an extra income for your household? what about healthcare needs? add all the expenses and add income figures (unemployment income included), then see if you are breaking even or if you have a deficit.. if you have deficit, make sure that you account for all the savings for other outflows such as daycare costs.. make sure that you take into account all the take-outs and lunches bought outside for when you and your husband are both working.. make sure that you contact the local social services office (since your husband is home now, he can take care of this) and explain your situation - you may qualify for assistance programs.. again, your ego aside, if kids need food - then you get all the assistance that you can qualify for.. after all this, you need to sit down and examine your family's situation.. does your husband need to work? yes, you already mentioned that this is your wish - but is it the family's need? are you kids better off being taken care by your spouse or the daycare? if kids are neglected by your spouse, then you have a compelling case.. otherwise, there is no compelling case... if you are coming home to a clean house (well, relatively clean since your kids are young) - and a cooked meal, what's it worth to you? and to your family? if you do decide to act on your inner thoughts (as taken from the tone of your question) and push your spouse out of the relationship - what will it do to the family? will you and your kids be better off without your husband? emotionally? financially? (since your spouse is not employed, there will be no alimony and if you decide to separate, you as a working spouse may be liable for a stipend - since he's gotten used to the current lifestyle).. research the aftermath of a divorce and its effects on kids and families - and think whether it is worth it.. you are with a person who wants to be with you and with your children - you are not happy about "what it should be" but it works for your family, so have a talk with that spouse of yours.. unless you ask - in a non-accusatory tone - there may be some deeper reasons for his behavior that he may be afraid to voice at this point.. he may be thinking about going back to school if his skills need an upgrade - but he cannot approach this topic as you are the current breadwinner in your household.. he may be seeing the stress you're under and wants to wait until kids are at least in school (1st grade) before making the move.. just talk in a safe place - and your finances allow, try to see a therapist.. if your finances do not allow that - again, check with the local social services office as based on your income you may be eligible for low-cost/free therapy sessions..

I second Cherie Nixon. It sounds like you have different assumptions about your relationship and expectations of each other.  You need to work them out and a you likely need a counselor to intermediate. Or you could divorce, take custody of the kids, and have to do *both* roles yourself.

Real men?  So it sounds like you would prefer to be the one at home with the kids and cleaning house, since you have such traditional views.  In this economy, happy single income families are a rarity.  All adults should be contributing, not just "the man of the house."  Tell him you didn't get married so that you could have an extra dependent, and that you expect help with bringing income into the house.  If he refuses the notion that he should contribute in some way other than laying around the house every day, consider legal separation until he gets his act together.  As someone who grew up with a "housewife" mother, I have to say that our situation would have been greatly improved with the addition of income and the subtraction of a full grown adult who does next to nothing all day.