Senior Care: Why do many people think it's OK to send their parents to nursing homes?

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You beg the question when you imply that this should not be "acceptable".  I would add, to Lou Davis' excellent answer, that our social composition has changed a great deal.  In my earlier practice I dealt with a number of people trying to take care of their elders at home.  Unlike Ms. Davis' family, most families leave a woman at home to care for the elders.  In most cases this means the woman cannot go out to work, or if she does she knows that she will be neglecting the elder.  Many times women are expected to do both, and I don't know any way that can be accomplished properly unless this woman can afford someone to come in to take care of the elder in her stead.  She had better have a great job!  And of course it has to be a job from which she can come and go, because she will have to take the elder to medical appointments, leave work when he/she is sick, and of course get up at night to help the elder, so she may have to come in to work late some days too.  It is emotionally and physically exhausting, and if she tries to do both, she will quickly become too tired to do a good job of anything.  If the elder lives apart from the younger family this merely adds travel time and extra difficulty to the task. Let me add that most elders want to continue to live in their own homes and often resent the young taking care of them for any abridging of their activities, such as not allowing them to drive.  It often ends up that there is general resentment in the family; the young resent the elder and the elder resents the younger family members.  If this were a culture in which all generations of a family lived together throughout their lives this might be different. We also have enhanced expectations of the youngest members of the family.  Can you imagine trying to go to college and also accomodating the needs and schedule of a grandparent at home?

I am approaching nursing home age myself--not quite there yet, but have a daughter who began scoping out places for me about 10 years ago.  When the time comes that I can no longer live independently, I would certainly consider a nursing home.  I can imagine it might be better to live in a setting with lots of others my age,organized activities/outings geared to my capabilities, and experienced assistants for things like bathing, dressing, etc.  Certainly better than to live in a home which is not my own with teenagers and their harried mother to care for me when and if they can find the time.  To move in with my child, I would have to leave my town and friends to move to a city I do not care for. How would I make new friends living with a family of teens and forty-year-olds?  I know that nursing homes in general have a bad rep, but the ones my friends are in seem to be pretty nice places.

Most of the answers given here talk about the healthcare needs of the elderly and how much better they can be met in nursing homes by professionals, etc. But that is not the question being asked. As a matter of fact, the questioner states he is not talking about advanced care.  Many years ago, my husband & I built an addition to our home for the sole purpose of giving my in-laws a place to live when they were ready. It had a bedroom with a walk-in closet, a living area with a kitchen and a bathroom with access to the pool and spa. We flew them from FL to CA. At the time we had 3 boys ages 13-18. We were busy with the boys and their activities but we took the time to transport the folks to the senior center for bridge & other events there. They were always welcome to come along with us to church, the boys sports practices, games, etc. The arrangement lasted 6 months before they decided to return to their apartment building in Orlando. The reason they gave was that they missed being with people their own age. This I think is the primary reason why the elderly often do better in group home arrangements. Even in the most loving home, very few caregivers are available to just sit and visit with them all day long since they have lives of their own. In assisted living, retirement community, or whatever you want to call it, people are with other people their own age with similar interests, memories, ailments, etc. This fellowship is what contributes to their quality of life.

My grandfather was in a nursing home for several years, and I am fairly certain that he would have been absolutely miserable living with any of his children.  To say that he was proud and independent would be putting it mildly.  I don't think he would have been able to stand it. Why are you projecting your likes and dislikes on to other people?

I don't see how that's "cruel". If anything, it's less stress on both the parent and their kids. As the children grow older, they have more responsibilities like working, having kids, and paying their rent and bills. That's stressful enough. So therefore, they lack the resources to be able to take care of their parent(s). At a nursing home, they'll be fed, bathed, and taken care of medical wise, until they die. Another good thing is their sons/daughters can come and visit!!

I am 70, my spouse is 68. As of right now, we are in OK health, having survived cancer and an MCI with no real lingering effects. We took care of all four of our parents, none of whom would consider for a moment relocating to where we lived and worked. Because their conditions worsened to the place where they could not stay in their homes, all of them relocated, 2 to retirement and then nursing homes, two moved in with family who resided locally. Our parents were part of the first generation to really get the benefits of modern advances and live for a long time. My grandparents and great grand parents died in their 60's while still working. I never knew either of my grandfathers, nor did my spouse. As we had to deal with the hassle and huge expense of dealing with the care of our parents, we knew that we had to plan for our own aging and possible infirmity. When we built our current home, ten years ago, we built it with the needs of a disabled person in mind. All doors are 36" wide, to allow for access by wheel chairs or walkers. All halls are 48" wide. There are no interior thresholds, and a roll in shower with floor flush with the bathroom floor. The master bedroom and bath are on the same level as the living room, dining room, and kitchen. All toilets are handicapped height, and the braces are already in the walls for grab bars. The closets are roll in, and the floor of the house is level with the garage floor. We have long term care insurance with a home health care option, and a bedroom suite downstairs which now serves as a guest suite, but could easily be converted for a live in caretaker. No one can predict the future, we may require nursing home care, but by anticipating our potential needs, and planning for them, we hope to be able to live independently for a long time.

It seems normal to us in the UK, it is just the down thing. We expect to do it to our parents and our parents reluctantly expect it to happen one day. My girlfriend from South East Asia thinks it is a horrific way to treat our elderly loved ones. In that part of the world the old are given more respect and they are welcomed into the family home when they cannot take care of themselves any longer. Interestingly I have found that they seem to be more able and active abroad than those who live in care homes in the UK. They help cook and look after the kids and this keeps them active and useful. Whereas in the UK once you go into a care home it is like a waiting room for the inevitable. That said, after a lot of experience with elderly relatives in care homes, some are much better than others. So it is very important to "shop around". In the midlands for example http://www.safeharbor.co.uk (Safe Harbor) is a top class operation with multiple homes, all of a high standard. The difference between them and some others is night and day, so at least we should do what we can to get out parents and other elderly relatives into the best places with quality facilities and care.

The underlying problem is that the word "nursing home" became a swear word in the United States. Lack of care, and in some cases even abuse inside nursing homes has seniors upset at the very mention of the word. However, from my experience, most nursing home and assisted living facilities passionately treat their residents with dignity and respect. Hopefully, as more families leave reviews of their senior care experiences, the good providers will stand out above the rest.