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How do you get over insecurity?

Mature men and women please Help! How do I get my fiance to understand my fear and insecurity?

  • Without turning him off, without hurting him, without him shutting down again, not talking at all to me and leaving me which only triggers the fear that he's going to leave me for good. I'm 47 and he's 42, I have a serious fear of looking old and becoming unattractive and in the past five years the mirror is beginning to really show my age. I know I'm not ugly but I'm not happy at all with how I look now compared to 5, 10 and 20 years ago. If I had the money I would change everything that could be changed but I don't so I'm stuck with what I've got. All I can afford is so called age defying face lotions and make up but that doesn't take off 40 pounds I need to lose, get rid of the cellulite on my thighs, doesn't shrink my waist to a 28-30, doesn't make the stretch marks disappear on my upper hips and I have a deep 4" long cesearean scar (from two c-sections) from my navel down. My upper arms are sagging, my breasts are sagging south and the left is a size smaller than the right and from a young age I've had bad very noticeable varicose veins in my legs. I'm curvy and used to have a nice shaped butt but now I have dimples in my cheeks, I've lost meat, tone and lift in my butt. I hate to look at myself nude in the mirror anymore. I try to not show my fiance how insecure I am with my body when we have sex because I don't want to turn him off but everytime we have sex I'm thinking I hope he doesn't notice that fat jiggling from my upper arms, the role of fat and deep scar in my abdomen. I worry that one day he may not find me attractive anymore and he will leave me. It's been really difficult for me to lose weight because I eat when I'm nervous and stressed and I've had so much stress and responsiblity put on me by immediate family members. Ok so I have my own body issues but I felt even more insecure when I found out several months ago my fiance was trying to access porn on his cell phone. His desire to access porn made me feel as if I'm not enough. I'm not in my 20's or 30's, I don't have perky breasts, big implants and I don't have the body or butt of a porn slut of that age. I know I don't have the body I used to and if he's looking at "ideal" body images of other women then that's what he's more attracted to...not me...because I don't look like that. have expressed to him that I'm not comfortable with him watching porn. Yesterday morning when we woke up we were still laying in bed but he grabbed his cell phone and a few minutes later I looked over at his phone and noticed many erotic images of young bikinis and lingerie models in a wallpaper application he was viewing. I did notice one pic of a baby as he was looking but the majority were erotic images. Because I did see a pic of a baby I thought ok I'll give him the benefit of the doubt maybe since it's mothers day he's looking for a baby pic so I didn't say anything but a couple minutes later I look over again and all I see are erotic images he's scrolling through. I asked him "what is that?" and grabbed his phone and he said "a baby" but all I saw on the screen at that instant was erotic pics. I told him " I don't see a baby, I see erotic half nude pics of women with their boobs hanging out and or their *** showing" . He said "keep looking you'll see a baby. Well I had to scroll through 25 erotic images before I saw an actual baby. At that point I was upset so I checked his phone to see what wallpapers he had downloaded on his phone, he had four that were ok but the last one was a black & white "back" image of a blonde tall skinny model (I'm brunette, 5' 3 and not skinny) walking up stairs...all you notice is her *** and long legs which almost look nude as it seems she's wearing some really sheer light spandex. He's a 42 yr old engaged man not a young single guy and I feel that image is innappropriate to have on his phone. He's not responsible for how I feel about myself but how can I make him understand how his viewing porn and/or erotic images of younger shaplier thinner women makes me feel even more insecure about my body, how he views me. I fear that the more he sees those images, the more he's comparing me and the more I fail because I don't even compare. Before he would constantly comment to me every weekend while watching tv that this girl or that girl was beautiful when he "never" paid me a compliment. Also I had to break up with my last fiance because he had a serious porn addiction and preferred porn and erotic images over me, I went through a lot of pain and my current fiance is aware of that. He of course says he's not addicted but I don't know, we don't reside together, all I know are the facts I've listed. I just want him to unde

  • Answer:

    Why not spend some time without a relationship and come to accept and love yourself before getting back into another relationship. You are focusing way too much on things that in truth mean nothing. If you had all the plastic surgery in the world you would still be left with all the insecurities you already have (and end up looking like an alien to boot). If I were you I would not marry this man for many reasons, some of them things you need to do and learn. I'm 48. I have a disfigured abdomen (not just a scar) from almost dying several times at the age of 29 (ruptured appendix and complications). I have also had a c-section. I have wrinkles, gray hair, sagging boobs, the works. So what? I am having the time of my life, including sex with my husband (as much as I can get with it all hanging out, lol). I have never cared much about physical appearances in myself or others - I prefer to focus on the inside - who I am and who others are, you know, character, personality, unique quirks, skills, etc. This attitude has made my entire life a great and fun adventure. If someone does not like how I look I think - well then, don't look, lol. I'm an Aries as well, to that I also say so what? How can you expect others to love and admire you when you do not love or admire (or even like or know) yourself? All of this, everything you have said starts with YOU. You accept your fiances behavior and you expect him to look at you in ways you can't even look at yourself. Come on, make some changes and embrace your self and your life!

maryv201... at Yahoo! Answers Visit the source

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If you have body issues this bad, you are not in a relationship. You are merely clinging to one. Time to let him go and work on your bad image of yourself.

CarbonDated

I am 52 years old and disabled but I do all I am able to look good. Eating right and whatever exercise that you can manage is a must. I do attract younger men but I prefer close to my age. My BF is 59 and he is very sensitive about his looks but I think he looks great. He looks at porn with women of all ages. He likes curvy and he is very happy with my body the way I am but I do want to be better. My doctor has not cleared me to swim yet since my last operation. Walking, swimming, biking, dancing and many other physical activities will help you maintain your best physical form. Many younger men are attracted to older women because they know more than younger women, are more sexually free and desiring to have sex more. You could drive him away with your insecurity quicker than your body. Men will always be attracted to young hot bodies but what man really wants to put up with them mentally or emotionally. If you want to keep a man happy have a dirty sexy mind but be a calm solid haven for him to come home to.

The Prophet

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Christina

You can shaped like a super model and men will still look and admire other women they see in magazines or tv, that's just the way it is. Just because he looked at these images it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or wish you looked like them. I know u have body image issues and while I know its more of a mental thing, u need to stop crying about how bad you look and do something about it. Ure not disabled, so go exercise, stop eating so much, little things to change your lifestyle. Taking care of urself will help make u look younger. Your skin will show, your attitude and spirit will show. I don't have much sympathy for people who feel sorry for themselves yet do nothing to change their lives. It's your life, your choice. U can keep living life like this or do something about it, getting counselling is first step.

Samantha

I don't know a single person who isn't insecure about something. It's very difficult not to be. I'm sure your fiance has insecurities, too. How about you ask him about them some time to help you see you're not alone in how you feel about yourself? Maybe post a yahoo question that asks people to list their insecurities, I'll bet you get a lot of responses. Also, even if your fiance were to never look at porn, and he were to tell you how beautiful he thinks you are on a daily basis, you'd probably still feel kind of bad about yourself. It's YOU that definitely needs to change, not him necessarily. I doubt he has a porn addiction and with all the images of young, skinny women on the internet these days, they're almost impossible to avoid, even if he doesn't go to actual porn sites. Ask him to take down the wallpaper if it bothers you and let him know it hurts your feelings that he comments on other people being attractive without ever complimenting you. If he won't do that then he's not the right man for you. You deserve to be with someone who finds you attractive, which even though it sounds like you think you're ugly, I'm sure there are many men out there who would disagree. Also, it's very important to work on your self esteem. Life is not all about looks and being young and sexy. You're getting older, this is natural, coming to terms with this in whatever you can will help you immensely. Body parts are going to naturally migrate south due to gravity and unless you're disciplined about working out and eating well, you're not going to have a "perfect" body. In fact, I know of many middle-aged people who work out and eat well and they're still not happy with how they look because of the natural process of aging. Accept the fact that you're not going to have this body forever, that there are other things to who you are, more important things, in fact. Your intellect, you personality, your passions, your hobbies, etc. are all very important aspects to who you are, especially because they are there no matter how wrinkled, fat or old you look. Do yourself a favor and allow yourself to have whatever body you have and find someone who accepts you as you.

Hestia's Blessing

Uhmm...it is long so a skimmed it. You are insecure because you are in your late 40's and don't have the body of a 20 year old porn star. Get over it. He loves you and is marrying you. I have a c section scar but its at the bikini line...yours must have been an emergency c section. Wear that badge of honor proudly! Get to the gym and do at least an hour of cardio per day. I do. Did this morning and am headed back with my sons this evening. You have to love yourself before you can even ask anyone else if they love you. Nothing to say about the porn as I enjoy an occasional skin flick too.

Sweet You Rock and Sweet You Roll

I admit that I only skimmed that. All I can say, is that it is not his responsibility to help you overcome your insecurities....and I suspect that you know this. This may sound bitchy, but it is actually comforting, once you spend a minute pondering what I've said. He's with you.....be happy.

Starfish

I didn't read it all because it's huge. We all age and we have to accept it and still KNOW we're good enough and attactive enough. Knowing this will help you to feel secure and desirable. I'm 52 and I some people think I'm a good looking guy. I know I'm okay and that makes a big difference. We all need to learn to like who we are and how we are.

Rick

Sorry its just too long to read. Get yourself a great book by Beth Moore called "So long insecurity" thats a good place to start. You can even get it from your library.

Anonymous

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