Does mikkel bang have two different colored eyes?

What do you think of the first pages of my book?

• I glance at Jack in front of me. We’re on the run again. When are we not? He bolts out from behind the corner and I quickly follow after him. I’m right on his heels until my face smashes into his back. He doesn’t turn to see if I’m okay, we have no time. The Collectors were right behind us a few blocks ago, we can’t risk any time. He ducks into an old alley and pulls me with him. We run and run until we find a sewer cap. With no effort, Jack picks up the metal plate and tosses it aside. A grin of satisfaction appears on his face after he hears it clatter against the asphalt. I am the first to descend down the remains of the rusted ladder. I don’t wait to see if Jack is right behind me, but I know he’s there. The panting coming from behind me confirms his presence. I lead us down turns and turns of sewer lines and I keep track where we’re going. Two rights, a left, another right. “I think we’ve lost them.” I manage to whisper between breaths. I’m able to slow my pace to a fast walk, while Jack catches up to me. “I told you it was a bad idea to bring me.” Jack uttered. You see, Jack’s “gift” is disastrous when he’s not in control of it. We were in a supermarket to buy some extra food for Freedom when he got into an argument with one of the cashiers. His “gift” made the cash register fizzle and pop and for his finale, he exploded it and sent sparks flying. The next thing I knew was him grabbing my hand and us sprinting from the Collectors. The Collectors are everywhere now. Ever since they discovered that the impure are coming up from the sewers to buy supplies, the amount of them doubled. Once you’ve been seen by a Collector, the only safe place is the sewers. Trust me; they are the only safe place. Jack and I are two of the only people that have successfully out ran them more than once. It’s one of those accomplishments that you shouldn’t be proud of. You do not want to be captured by Collectors. Once you are, your life is pretty much over. Nobody has ever been seen again since when they were taken. I’ve heard stories, and that is more than enough to scare me. Apparently, they take you into a huge laboratory and do test of all sorts to you. They keep you in a brick cell with only straw to sleep on and you are given a piece of bread, one glass of water, and a chicken leg for your meal; you only get one meal. They only give you the minimal amount of food to keep you alive. Many people rather be killed than have that eternal torture. “You have to get out eventually, Jack. You just have to learn how to control it. Nobody can stay in Freedom forever. It gets pretty boring. Take it from someone who knows. You’re getting better though.” I try to cheer him up, but by the look on his face, it’s useless. Jack’s “gift” is that he can wield electricity. At the moment, his eyes are literally flashing with anger. “Hope, it’s not that easy.” “You don’t think that I know that? I spent years of accidentally setting people on fire. I still do. It’s all in your emotions.” “Yeah, yeah, I heard this before. So are we going back to Freedom or what?” “Lead the way Sparky.” I respond. “Sparky?” He looks at me quizzically, but even he can’t help but smiling. It doesn’t take long before we reach Freedom. Between Jack and me, we know every single sewer system for the entire city. We have no problem navigating them. We walk up to the ten foot tall wooden gate that some of the carpenters built. Jack nods at me, giving me the signal to do the secret knock. Bang…bang, bang, bang…bang. The doors creak open just enough for a head to peak through. “Who is it?” A squeaky voice asks. “Jeremy, it’s us. Let us in, or I’ll be forced to set your pants on fire, again.” I answer. “Whoa, Hope. You promised to never speak of that again.” I can’t hold back the smile. The doors swoosh open and we trudge in. They’re quickly shut behind us. I turn to see Jeremy’s pale face examining us to see if somehow we’ve been mutilated. “You okay?” I questioned with a worried face. Jeremy is always in an upbeat mood. He can walk through any wall, like a ghost. Usually scaring a couple people would make his day, but this week, he’s been unfocused and distant, which is quite unusual. “The spy gave away your position today. That’s why there were so many Collectors at the market. You’re lucky to get away safe.” He turned away and cursed under his breath. There’s been a spy in Freedom for some time now. It’s just getting annoying. All of our trips up above have been compromised and everywhere we go, there is always Collectors. The weird thing is that the spy never gives away the location of Freedom. “Hey, it wasn’t a total failure today.” I point to make backpack which I have been carrying absent mindedly on my back. Jack and I wander to the kitchen. The “kitchen” is basically a large dead end sewer line, with a pit of fire in the center. Some of the builders were able to create a freezer in the corner.

• Answer:

  That's very interesting! I like the suspense. I'm getting a kind of "Hunger Games" vibe, which is intriguing to me. Do you have an explanation in mind for why the spy doesn't give away their location? Maybe add that in the additional details? My only constructive feedback would be to do a little less telling and a little more showing. Let us figure out the characters by their actions instead of just telling us how they are and give us a sense of the environment, I guess is what I mean. You've started to do that with the dialogue - although I think you could take that even further and give every character a very distinct voice. Hope seems like a fun, witty character. But even when you're introducing us to Jeremy, instead of basically saying that he's worried, maybe you could have him usher them in, kind of shoving them through the door, shut it quickly, and exhale and rest his head back against the wall after he sees that they're home safe. That would increase the suspense and also allow us to visualize things. :) I think this is a GREAT start! Are you planning to continue it in Camp NaNoWriMo? I'd love to talk to you about your plot!!!