I want to find a friend who moved address..... how can i do it.

Want to help a friend, but she doesn't make smart decisions?

• I met a girl about 5 years ago when I was going to college, and ever since I transferred to another city, we've kept in touch via emails and the phone. When we first met, she was working as a cashier to help pay herself through college, living with an unsupportive mother. Her mom has been living on welfare her entire life; she claims to have a busted leg and can't work, but I've seen her perform more than enough physical tasks to qualify for a job, not to mention there are plenty of jobs that let her sit down anyway...but...we're not talking about her mom...we're talking about my friend! My friend never got her license and from the time we met, she's relied on public transportation or asked for rides from her mom or whoever else she could get to help her, to get to work, school, and whatever else she needed to do. Her mom was never very supportive, and her mother ended up kicking her out for reasons I don't exactly remember, but I remember them being related to selfishness and overreaction from her mother over silly things. The first time she kicked her out, for some reason, my friend decided to go to LA; she barely had the money to afford the trip, but her logic was something like "there's more help for the homeless in LA than there is in Merced". There, she got on some kind of job program that trained her and said they would get her a job, but she met a guy and changed her focus. After that, she moved back in with her mom and the trouble has started all over again. The extra bit of trouble is that while she was in LA, her mom inherited a house from a relative and it's 45 minutes out in the middle of nowhere, so my friend can't walk to get anything, and when her mom decides to have a meltdown and kick her out, she's got nowhere but wilderness to go. Sometimes, when she calls, she sounds like she's on the right track, but then something happens. Her cashier job in college fell through because she got sick and she took too many sick days; when living in LA, she didn't have a home address or a telephone number for jobs to get back to her when applying. She calls me collect for advice and updates now and then, and I feel so bad for her. I want to help her, but I'm afraid that even if I tried, she'd just waste it and make poor decisions again. I'm married now, with one baby and another on the way, with our own home, and living 2 states away. Sometimes, I want to pay for a ticket for her to come up here and let her live with us while I help her get back on her feet...provide a place to stay with an address and a phone number for her to get a job and keep it long enough to get on her feet...but again, I'm afraid she'll just waste our time and effort to help her by taking on a boyfriend like in LA, or maybe we'll just find out the hard way that she really doesn't have as much interest as I thought in getting and staying on her feet.

• Answer:

  It's really sweet that you want to help. I fear that if you allow her to live with you, she will never leave and you will have to ask her to leave, thus ending the friendship. You could organise a place for her to stay near you and give her the jobs page and help her look for a job. Encourage her in that direction. If she doesn't take up your offer, you must let her go. The saying goes that if you teach a man to fish he will eat for life but if you give him a fish, he eats once.