Why does it hurt every time I breathe in?

Why Do I Hurt Inside?

• Okay.. I'm looking for a bit of advice.. Really I have nothing to do at 1:40 AM so i'm trying to keep myself busy so I wont cry. I'll just start from the beginning. When I was 7, my parents had a VERY ugly divorce. They didn't necessarily fight over custody more as they fought while they both had custody. So from age 0 to 7 or 8, my parents fought. My mother would throw silverware, printers, gardening tools, and one time it was a laptop. She would write on my fathers arms when he would come home drunk, and they just fought constantly. I wasn't ever 'abused' per say, but me and my brother were 'spanked' very frequently (It was more like beatings then anything). Now skipping ahead a few years, i'm around 11 or 12. My parents are still divorced, my mom and my dad both have been in and out of relationships with other people and found the ones later they would settle down and re-marry with. My brother, couldn't take the weight of life. So he decided to go downstairs at 2 AM and grab a bottle of morphine, muscle relaxers, and I think it might have been Ibuprofen (Not sure). He took enough to knock out a herd of elephants. Later, around 4 or 5 AM. I had this really weird feeling, like something was wrong. I woke up because of it, but tried to calm myself down and relax (Thinking i was just having yet another anxiety attack). So maybe a hour passes, and my mother calls me down to eat breakfast and leave for school. I asked her if my sister had gone to school, then my brother. My brother had stayed home. So I told my mom to check on him (I was to scared to do it myself), and she refused, said he was fine. So I went upstairs and checked on my brother. Let me give you the setting of his room.. You walk in, they are wooden floors, there's a closet at the far left corner that has a slanted ceiling, its not exactly a walk in but someone could easily fit two grown men abreast in there. There was one of those 2 gallon things of apple juice sitting next to the closet (My brother loved apple juice..) and 2, 3 or maybe 4 bottles of medicine that I didn't recognize. My brothers closet door was left a abroad and I could see his feet, thinking he was asleep I went to go grab his empty apple juice container and close his medicine bottles. They were empty, and my brother lay nearly lifeless in the closet. I didn't really know what to do, so I started shaking him, trying to get him up. I managed to turn him over (I'm 11 and hes 16 at the time, weighing nearly 200 pounds or more) and his mouth was open, tongue plastered white, and very, very sticky. I realized that he was in trouble when I woke up, but I didn't do anything. Why didn't I do anything? My mother didn't even seem to care. I called the ambulance and watched his lifeless body carried out to the screaming red and white EMCA. Police came by later and asked questions, like did he ever do any drugs and was he a depressing child. They tried to conduct an investigation in to why he might have attempted suicide, and they found nothing. No ******* reason why he would do that to himself, and now, i'm nearly 15 years old and the pain from that day lingers in my heart like a cut that never healed. It pounds at me every day, and my eardrums hurt. I feel like there is something wrong, I hear screams and weird noises coming from my head.. but no one else can hear them. Whenever anything emotionally challenging comes to me I just break down, I cant speak, I cant see, Sometimes I cant even breathe. Now I've moved in with my father, we moved from Oklahoma (Where my brother, sister, and mother live.) to New Jersey. We've been living here for about 6 months and have moved twice already. On Monday it will be our 3rd time moving. I've made friends, lost friends, dated really nice girls, and lost really nice girls. I just feel lost, I ask myself all the time if heroes cry. Because I want to be a hero so badly, but I cry constantly.. I don't cry for the present or the future. There's only one thing I ever cry about. I use other things as a excuse to cry about my brother. I'll tell my parents the school i'm in is academically to challenging for me, and I cry. But I don't care about school, all i'm thinking about in that moment is my brother. It feels good to type this all out. I miss being happy. I miss not having to put on a smile so people around you don't ask you whats wrong. I miss my brother.

• Answer:

  I'm so sorry for what happened, sadly .. tragedies are a part of life, you shouldn't feel guilty for not going to check, most kids get paranoid about things and feel like they should go and check, I know you may feel it was different this time but trust me it is NOT under any means your fault and you should never ever feel bad for not checking, I know the pain of losing a family member and I understand it's hard but this is very recent, I think it is normal you feel this way.. you should do therapy (it will actually help you, you are not crazy or something like that I say this because I think you need someone to clear your mind and help you to see how things really are and get over these bad feelings) I think everything happens for a reason, and you should never ever feel bad for crying, not crying and pretending to be strong is for the weak, crying is human, and you are human being you can't do anything about that, we are all emotional people, we cry no matter if society says heros don't - it's a lie! .. you will get through this, you are young and special and im sure you are a good person and you will have a great future :D