Is this a good start for a story?

Is this a good start to a story?

• The story is called- love kills too I arrived at the cemetery alongside my mum and baby brother Lucas. The sun was shining down on us, the heat was overwhelming. The sun must have come out to say goodbye to Sam too. Just like all of the people currently stood by his grave. Mum always said “everybody loved him. He never had any enemies he was to kind for his own good.” Well he did have one enemy. Steven, Sams younger and my older brother. They argued about everything but mostly about me and mum. Steven would have a go at anybody who got in his way. Well that was me. Not once not twice but hundreds of times. If he was having a bad day he’d even yell at mum. He was never a pleasant person to live with he hated everything about anything that wasn’t to do with him. I’m guessing that’s why he didn’t show up to Sam’s funeral. He wasn’t like this when dad was alive, he was nice to me he played with me and looked up to Sam. But dad died ages ago so I can’t really remember Steven like that. The only way I knew he was like this was from photos and mum telling me. I’ll miss my brother. He may have been away a lot with the army; he worked as an army doctor. Violence wasn’t his thing but he wanted to help people so off he went risking his life to save others. When he returned he would act like nothing had happened no matter what he had seen. Never forgetting what our last conversation was and what I wanted for my birthday no matter how long he’d been away. I knew he was scared every time he went back. He feared for his life I don’t blame him it’s dangerous and it killed him. I once saw him crying in his room when he thought nobody could see. He put on a brave face infront of us so we wouldn't worry about him. After mum was told. She shut herself away. Didn’t speak or even look at anybody only cried. This left me to look after all three of us, not very well either. Once the news got to Steven go the news I would love to say he came to help me but no he acted as if he didn’t care. Not once did he come make sure mum was coping. He stayed at university. Its only one hour down the road. But that’s way too far for Steven to drive. I am 13 and this is the first draft of this story.

• Answer:

  Learn to show