What does it feel like to have wanderlust?

I don't know what to do? I feel like I don't want to live anymore?

• I feel like I have absolutely nothing left to live for and that my life will never have any meaning. I don't know what's wrong with me. It just feels like everything and that I never do anything right. I've never really had any friends. Any friends I have made I lose because I stop talking to them. I'm not good at talking. I can't talk on the phone. I start panicking and I never know what to say. I don't know what to talk to ANYONE about and then I ruin it by talking about stupid stuff like video games. ALL of my relationships have failed. I was dating this one guy and it didn't last long because I didn't know what to talk about. He always talked about work and friends and I never had anything to contribute. No surprise he stopped wanting to go out. Then I thought this other guy cared about me but I think he only wanted sex and now I think I got a STD from him. The third guy, the third guy is the most important. We've been dating for about 8 months on and off and I think he's the love of my life. Sadly, I ruined it and now he doesn't want to ever talk to me again. He said he'll contact me if his feelings change but I don't think I'm ever going to hear from him again. I screwed up too many times. I always accused him of cheating, I acted crazy and made 30 AIM accounts and he kept blocking every one but I just kept making more. I was always on his case about something, and never trusted him when he never gave me a reason to mistrust him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and it's over. I don't even want anyone else, but he was basically like "move on". Please, don't get me wrong. This isn't only about my relationship. That's a big part of it, yes, but there is a lot more. I HATE myself. I think everything is wrong with me. I'm a hypocrite. I'll see it as wrong for others to do something, but feel okay about doing it myself. I get so mad about someone lying, yet I lie ALL the time. It just feels so natural and when I stop to look at myself, I just hope that I die and don't want to live. I feel like I'm INCAPABLE of learning. My ex gave me SO many chances, and I did the same thing OVER AND OVER again. It's like no matter how hard I tried, I just did the SAME stupid things and then will beat myself up about it and cry for days. I don't even feel like I have feelings half the time. I spend almost all of my time feeling indifferent. I don't really want to do anything. I was supposed to go to college last year but I pushed that off to the winter semester, and then when the winter semester came, I pushed it off again and now I've been off of school for almost a year. I feel absolutely no motivation whatsoever. I know I need to get a job, but I have no motivation to work. I just want to sit in my room all day and mope. I feel TRAPPED in my room. I know I can just walk out of it and leave but that doesn't make the feeling go away. I just feel like I'm trapped in my own mind and I'll daydream about things being better and then when I snap out of it, it just makes me feel all the worse. I haven't felt like I wanted to live for SUCH a long time. I haven't felt happy in forever. Aside from when I was with my ex (the one I was with for 8 months) I don't ever recall feeling happy. I feel really selfish. I've been leeching off of my grandparents for the past few years. Their money situation isn't that great and things are hard but I haven't even bothered looking for a job. I feel terrible about it some days and then other days, I just feel indifferent again. That's my whole life, basically. Just one big wave of indifference. When I DO feel motivated, it feels great. I feel like I can take on the world and maybe, FINALLY set things right, but then I just lose it and I fall into that pit of despair again. I WANT to change. I hate feeling this way, I just don't know what to do. I've tried therapy, but I can't open up to a therapist. I spent months and months and months in therapy but I never felt like I benefited from it. I used to be on 8 different medications and a combination of mood stabilizers and anti-depressants but they never worked. Anti-depressants just make me psychotic and out of control and I'll start acting insane. I REALLY don't know what to do. I feel like I have nothing at this point. I don't feel motivated to work/go to school, I have no friends, I hate myself, my grandparents are probably going to be dead soon and then I'll be homeless, most likely. I feel like I should just kill myself so that I'm not a burden on them anymore, and because I was horrible to my ex who was nothing but great to me, and because I don't feel like I'll ever become anything different/more. I feel like my entire existence is pointless.

• Answer:

  Your existence is not pointless! From what you've described, it sounds a lot like my life a few years ago. And the first part of turning your life around, you've already done. First off, you're aware of the things you need to change (i.e. having trouble talking with others, not treating your ex the way you could've, etc.). Being aware and admitting to the things you done/need to change is a HUGE step that not many people are willing to take. And secondly, you ARE motivated. By asking this question on the internet is your own way of expressing yourself and you said the you want to change. Now all you have to do is stop thinking that you've failed, because you really haven't. I've done the whole therapist, medication thing too. It didn't work for me and it doesn't sound like it's worked for you. But that doesn't mean there aren't other ways to get help or to change. You just got to find what does work for you. I don't know how much advice I can give on how to change, but it did take me a while to see any change and I've been working at it everyday for the past 2 years. The only thing I am certain of is that you are not a burden to anyone. Everyone makes mistakes and even though people come in and out of your life doesn't mean there aren't others who are waiting for someone like you to come into their life. You just gotta find where you fit, and even though its hard, it'll be totally worth it later on. Hang in there