How can you look up old IM conversations?

Feeling like im constantly getting watched?

• I know i need counseling but my lately in life ive been feeling as if someone has been watching everything i do and the person(s) are in my head. But the majority of the voice are my friends and i do have conversations with them but alot of my decisions are... impacted by this and i always feel i have to impress them to be accepted. That causes me to be disruptive and "funny" and also i get pressured by them too do stuff such as steal or make even important decisions. I dont talk to myself in public, but i do feel it even more in public like there "watching me" and so i dont ever act like myself i just find my self thinking in extremes such as go all or nothing to impress them. And i also have made up lies about myself to keep up with what i did with them in my head. For example i say im born in california and im an award winning basketball player, but i was born in florida and im just decent at basketball. Its really effecting me and i just want to know what mental condition this sounds like or if its normal so i can look up on it in the while i wait for my psychritist appointment. Im 17 and a only child and had a pretty dramatic hard childhood (death, homeless at a point.) if that helps. Thanks

• Answer:

  I have had a traumatic childhood myself. My brother began molesting me when I was 5 years old. My mother and father divorced when I was six years old. Then me and my brother who was closest to my age moved in with our father and we were so happy! My father took us to church and we were so excited about going to school in a new school district. Our father was so encouraging to us to study hard in school...but only after two months, my father died in a car wreck. That threw my brother and me back into the house with my mother who worked during the night and slept during the day, a couple years later, she began working on a tow boat. She was gone for 30 days and home only 20 days. My older brothers, my grandfather, and even a friend of my brother's were molesting me. My father's Dad, died a year after my father. So I had no good male role models in my life...but the one thing that my father gave me before he died, is that he took us to church and he taught us to read the bible. I have always attended church and had people to pray for me...I developed a relationship with my savior Jesus Christ. He has always been there when I learned to pray to Him. When I cried out to God to stop the molestation, my Aunt called my mother and she agreed to let me come live with her...I finally learned how important prayer is and placing my faith in the very best friend that we can ever have. I could tell you many many things that I have overcome and it is all because my God is faithful to deliver from all bondages...If you want to inbox me, please feel free to do so. There is nothing that God can't help you with! I pray that you will go to an experienced godly Christian counselor...I have been GREATLY helped this way! I will be praying for you!