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Why can I only express myself in a text message?

I want to express how I feel to my dad in a text message...how do I respond to some hurtful things he said?

  • My mom called my dad yesterday to talk to him about me, school, and how he promised that he would help by sending me money every month but doesn't do so...he told her to stop harassing him and that she's the reason why I never really talk to him and give him an attitude whenever he calls me. My mother said he said something along the line of "Why does she give me an attitude, I'm the only father she'll ever have, but I have other kids to worry about so I don't really care" My mom said she thinks he was drunk, but like the saying goes "drunken words are sober thoughts." I'm not good with words so how do i tell him that i wish he and i could have a better relationship but for as far back as i can remember he has always said hurtful things to me which in result made me build up a wall. His hurtful words used to bother me alot but now I've just built up a wall and don't really talk to him as much... so he calls it "attitude"

  • Answer:

    Some parents aren't equipped to PARENT. Unfortunately - we are often stuck navigating these relationships the rest of our lives, and trying to make sense of their shortcomings (ie: hurtful words, lack of support, etc). You shouldn't have to worry about the support - and the fact that it's not coming in - really sucks. Your Mom needs to go through an enforcement program, but no matter what your age - you shouldn't have to worry about that stuff - and unfortunately - you are left to adapt to the absence of adequate funding for school or sports, or whatever the money was going to cover. IF this Dad is letting you down, ask yourself, how much energy is he putting into your relationship? I don't know that anyone can ever really replace our parents, but sometimes we have to look beyond them for role models to fill the gaps they leave. Sometimes we have to learn to live without them. Don't get too hung up on it. it's not your fault, and if your Dad isn't able to handle his alcohol -well that's not your problem either - try to protect yourself, by saying "mom, thanks for telling me, but that conversation you had with him, didn't help me feel better - please don't share stuff like that in the future.... or something to that effect" (OFTEN parents love to manipulate their childrens' favourtism by pointing out the other parents - shortcomings - totally NOT FAIR - I grew up my whole life hearing about my Dad's drinking and this and that - and it didn't improve my relationship with my Mom, and it sure as h*ck didn't help the fragile one I had with my father) I learned to live without sports, band, trips - you name it - and when I was old enough to work, I bought my own clothes and CD's and stuff - and to this day, I'm mad at my parents, but I'm proud that I turned their crappy parenting into my strength of character ... now I have 4 small kids of my own (1 grown and 1 in heaven)- and they are my world - and I also try hard not to repeat my parents bad mistakes) NEVER BELIEVE someone who has an alcohol addiction - who's rambling drunk. Seriously - that's unfair to say someone being careless, probably depressed and self-pitying is actually speaking truth. More like they are speaking denial and guilt is making them try to turn things back on the other people, to try to make themselves feel better for their screw-ups. *sorry this got so long.

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Tell him in person or over the phone.. Theirs no way u can refresh all your emotions over a text.. Just be honest,tell him to let you talk w/o being disrespectful.. Remember he's still your father

Tanesha

Ive been exactly where you were. Idk if our families are similar, but nothing ever worked. Some people just arent understanding or capable of hearing what u have to say. You can try talking to him, but if it doesnt change anything dont dwell on it. Learn from it and treat ur children better. Good luck!

Smiles

Try to keep a peaceful tone next time you talk to him When the topic of money comes up he will probably get very defensive and start an argument Do not lose your composer once he starts. Keep a civilized tone and try to calm him down If you feel your attempts were in vain and your conversation calmly say goodbye, hangup, and attempt another time

Vincent

I'm disappointed in your mom for sharing her private conversation with your dad. It's very likely that his relationship with her is so poor that it brings out the worst in him, and he probably says a lot of things that he regrets. He may exaggerate what he's saying to get under your mom's skin. And he probably knows that she tells you everything but he thinks she's doing it to manipulate you into not liking him. When that happens, he can't help but be hurt that you "allow yourself to be manipulated". Many adults who have experienced such relationship issues are on the constant lookout for manipulation, and are too hurt toi realize that kids are often not aware that they have been manipulated. It's unfair if he is mad at you for that, but it's also understandable given his experiences (but not your fault nonetheless). Anyway, I would not bring up the specific things your mom told you, other than that she said you mentioned that you have "attitude" when you talk to him. In a text message, ask him to meet with you (go to lunch?), and apologize for your attitude. If you can't meet with him, write an email. You need to say more than what can fit in a text message. Texting is too impersonal. Tell him that you think some of the attitude is teen stuff and other of it is just that it's hard to be part of a divorce and that comes out as attitude. That you don't feel as important to him as his other kids. I think the money part is between him and your mom. Your mom can report him for not paying support. Your point can be that you don't feel as important as his other kids. If he gets angry or hurt or whatever during the conversation and says something like your mom is poisoning you against him, tell him that you and he just need to spend more time together, or have more communication. Otherwise, all you know of him is what your mom tells you. Good luck!

Sunday

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