Do human resource professionals need to have short names?

Need help revising an acceptance speech?

• I will accepting an award on behalf of a high school club of which I am the president. My supervisor sent me a sample speech and said I could use that but upon reading it out loud, I realized it sounded kind of funny. Any suggestions would be helpful. I can re-word things on my own, however I need help with the more generic problems. Thanks in advance! (Names have been changed to asterisks to preserve security) The award is about youth in philanthropy. Thank you very much for the Youth in Philanthropy Award. Thanks go to the ****** Chapter of the Association of Fundraising Professionals for noticing our hard work and dedication to philanthropy. I also want to thank all the other sponsors: Wachovia Securities, BB&T, The Printing Express, ****, The **** *****, and the ******* Chamber of Commerce. Thanks also go to the ********* Kiwanis Club (Our sponsoring organization), ******** City Schools, Dr **** Superintendent of ******* City Schools and ***** ********, Principal of ******** High School. I have been a member of the ********** High School Key Club since my freshman year. This club is, and has been for years, extremely important to me. My career goal is to become a medical doctor and serving as president of this amazing student service organization, whose motto happens to be "Caring: Our way of Life," has been both an honor and the best possible preparation for a life in public service. What I like most about Key Club is that it takes a global perspective but acts locally. While we perceive many problems as simply domestic issues, in fact working on their solutions connect us, and our local community, with the world. This award of course does not belong to just this year's Key club. I do not stand here alone. It belongs to every member past and present who has ever volunteered to make our community a better place. This is a club of high school students who truly want to make a difference in the world and are doing so. Mr. ********, our advisor, once told us at a meeting, "Don't let anyone tell you that a teenager can't make a difference in the world. Don't let anyone hold you back!" We have taken those words to heart, and we have never looked back. Scientists say that our world is so small and interdependent that a butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon forest can generate a violent storm on the other side of the earth. This principle is known as the "butterfly effect". Today, we know that the world of human activity also has its own butterfly effect, for better or worse. Key Club says let's make human activity be for the better. Community service is a step in that direction. Once again, on behalf of ****** High School Key Club, thank you for this award. Thank you and God bless. Please help before I make a fool of myself in front of 400 strangers.

• Answer:

  You just need to make this more personal to you, without seeming self-centered. In other words, try to use we instead of I or me. Speak for the club. Also, the butterfly effect thing...I would rethink the way you talk about that. It's a nice theory but it sounds ridiculous. I would call it a "theory" and it's fine to use as an illustration of how a small action could have a larger impact. But I wouldn't make the specific example you give sound so factual.